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Dec. 23rd, 2005|09:20 am |
The Top Signs Your Sex Ed Teacher Has Never Had Sex
"The dirty, sinful, nasty thing" isn't a term from the textbook.
His advice for avoiding teen pregnancy? "If you see a stork, run!"
She goes to Anne Rice conventions, her dream is to touch Fabio's pectorals, and she has more cats than names in her address book.
Refers to all sex organs as "the hoo-ha."
"But we're not birds or bees, so we don't do that... that... thing!"
Keeps trying to plug film projector into wrong end of extension cord.
She tends to say "theoretically" and "according to researchers" a lot in her lectures.
All the diagrams she uses seem to have been torn from the owner's manual of a 1974 Volkswagen Beetle.
"Now this is a picture of the male genit-- OH DEAR GOD!"
The Top 5 Homeland Security Christmas Cards
Two lists we seek this Christmas Day,
one Naughty and one Nice.
So hand them over now, Fat Boy
-- we won't ask you twice.
May your holiday season be filled with all the joys and pleasures you find dear. Which, according to your web-surfing history, includes Honduran cigars, Coca Cola collectibles, naked Asian girls and vibrating butt-plugs.
In the meadow, we will build a snowman.
We'll pretend his skin and beard are brown.
We'll say, "You al Qaeda?" He'll say, "No, man!"
But just in case, we'll haul his ass downtown.
We see you when you're sleeping.
We know when you're awake.
We like you in that nightie but
we know those boobs are fake!
A child was born on Christmas Day.
Despite the "savior" hype,
we've searched the manger twice
'cause he's a Middle-Eastern type.
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There's no "I" in "team", but there are three "I's" in "multiple personality disorder." |
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