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[May. 2nd, 2010|12:05 pm] |
Если вам налили чай доверха, то это не от щедрости, а чтобы вам не удалось положить туда сахар...
Вчера в рамках программы «Поддержка автопрома», правительство разрешило АвтоВАЗу торговать кокаином.
Понимаешь, что детство закончилось, когда подходишь к плите, поднимаешь крышку кастрюли, а там.... пусто.
Никита Михалков не стал снимать фильм "Трудно быть богом": он искренне не может понять, что же в этом трудного.
Девочка спрашивает у мамы:
– А правда, что все люди произошли от обезьян?
– Правда.
– И я?
– И ты.
– И ты?
– И я.
– А у тебя фотографий не осталось?
( ... tālāk ... ) |
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[May. 2nd, 2010|12:25 pm] |
I should have known I wasn't going to get much help from the clerk when I saw the sign behind the counter that read, "Hypothetically, there's always a chance the customer may be right."
Those teenage girls at the mall call me "dirty old man" when they catch me trying to peek down their blouses, but the joke's on them -- I'm only 31!
The Top Signs the Movie Recession Is Over
- No more concession specials, small popcorn back to $12.
- All Baldwin brothers employed.
- You thought 3-D was expensive? The next version of Avatar will be 4-D.
- Oliver Stone and Michael Moore having real trouble finding things to bitch about.
- Even Goldman Sachs is recommending stock in Universal. Oh, wait...
- Wall Street II: Electric Boogaloo.
- Latest Vin Diesel flick using real cars and stunt men instead of proposed Grand Theft Auto screen captures.
The Top Signs That Antibiotic Ain't Getting It Done
- Every time you sneeze, another toe comes off.
- When they see you coming, the perfume sprayer girls at the mall suddenly switch to cans of Lysol.
- You don't even have to ask to get perfect strangers to comment, "Whoa! That looks infected as hell, dude!"
- You get a letter from NIH which begins with "Dear Patient Zero..."
- You know those TV insurance ads which say you cannot be turned down for any reason? They just found a reason.
- Your handbag actually contains your hand.
- There are a bunch of people at your door with the media close behind. But there are no balloons or oversized check from Publisher's Clearing House.
- I'm no doctor, but you've been dead for three days.
- Paris Hilton is worried about touching you and catching something.
- You no longer smell rotten meat, now that your nose has fallen off.
- No matter how thinly you smear it, you'll need more than the one amoxycillin to paint the garage.
- Seeing how wiped you are, one of your staph cells just answered the door as a favor.
- After slipping seven into her drink, your date is just looking healthier.
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