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Apr. 5th, 2011|08:40 pm |
I find myself attracted to both male and female white bears. My psychiatrist tells me I have a bi-polar disorder.
(Kim Moser)
I don't know why scientists make such a big deal about carbon dating. Almost all of my dates have been with carbon-based life forms.
(John "Schmitty" Schmidt)
The Top Signs Your Internet Startup Will Fail
- Your IPO had fewer venture capitalists than the lemonade stand down the street.
- Your slogan: "Free viruses, Trojans, and malware with every download!"
- The "hosting provider" you've selected specializes in weddings and Bar Mitzvah parties.
- One investor has already pledged a cool $1,000,000 Zimbabwean dollars.
- The only venture capital you've raised so far is from your parents slipping a $5 bill into your piggy bank and wishing you luck.
- Your business plan involves sending a CD containing the program to every household in America every month.
A 4-foot hole tore open in the fuselage of a Southwest Airline plane, bringing a view of the blue sky into the cabin. During an emergency descent, many passengers chose to quickly send a few text messages before the plane eventually landed safely.
The Top Texts Sent From a Damaged Plane
- 30 secs 2 liv & im txting my shrink? im such a loser!
- so much 4 clean undies
- i'm afraid we're not going to naked... make it! stupid autocorrect
- we're going down faster than your sister when she's drunk
- screw em, i'm smoking
The Top Better Titles for "The Hobbit"
- The Hobbit: The Wrath of Smaug
- The Hobbit: Least Popular Costume for Comicon
- The Hobbit: Ah, what's the point when you already know how it ends?
- They Call Me Mr. Baggins
- Good Sam Hunting
- The Bilbo Identity, The Bilbo Supremacy, and The Bilbo Ultimatum
- Lord of the Rings, Episode I: The Phantom Mordor
- Dial H for Hobbit
- 2 Frodo 2 Furious
The Top Pairs of Words That Should Never Appear in the Same Sentence
- grandma, bikini
- tasty, panda
- colonoscopy, barbwire
- pimp, tractor
- amateur, circumcision
The Top Reasons Apple Is Delaying the iPhone 5
- The app to purchase an iPhone 5 is available only ON the iPhone 5, which can't be purchased without the app.
- They totally forgot to include the "Make a Phone Call" app!
- The marketing department had to start from scratch after scrapping the "Tsunami of New Features" rollout campaign.
- Steve Jobs can't decide what color turtleneck to wear: black, off-black, ebony, carbon, or severely gray.
- Engineers working night and day to find just the right balance between overpriced, under-performing gadgetry, while still increasing the all-important Smugness Factor by another 3%.
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