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Mar. 30th, 2011|04:04 pm |
The Top Signs You're an Apple Fanatic
- You gave your ex-wife both cars, the house, the dog, and custody of the kids so she wouldn't get your iPhone.
- You're banned from every orchard, farmer's market and produce department in three states because "They just don't look right without a bite out of them."
- You have your liver surgically removed and overnighted to Steve Jobs, "just in case."
- Steve Jobs friended YOU on Facebook.
- Two words: Woz porn.
- You pay extra for the A/C adapter in "designer" black.
- You dream of a one-button keyboard.
The Top Signs Your Boss Knows Nothing About Programming
- His "if/then" statements are more like "if/or else."
- Insists that you use Arial for your source code because it's easier for the computer to read.
- When you talk about needing to deal with an unhandled exception, he tells you to use a condom next time.
- Is looking to hire a million monkeys in India to outsource your job.
- You suggest he use a macro and he shouts "Polo!"
- Thinks every Java update requires you to fly to Indonesia for a week to brush up on your skills.
- Uses strange words like "finish," "schedule," "progress," and "documentation."
The Top Right and Wrong Ways to Say Something
Right: "I had a lot of fun this evening, but don't want to take things too quickly."
Wrong: "If you ever try to contact me again, it will take more than dental records for the authorities to ID your sorry carcass."
Right: "I've heard so much about you, it's nice to finally meet you in person."
Wrong: "You're kind of a vaguely creepy fellow. Ever been in prison?"
Right: "May I buy you a drink?"
Wrong: "May I begin surreptitiously lowering your standards and inhibitions?"
Right: "I'm sorry, is the Venti the medium or the large?"
Wrong: "Get your bean-grinding ass back there and get me a LARGE coffee or I'll put your balls in a French Press."
Right: "It's all right, sweetheart; it happens to all men at some point."
Wrong: "Just my luck. I changed the sheets and got a Brazilian wax for WHAT?"
Right: "Wow! You look hot today."
Wrong: "Are you having menopausal hot flashes?"
Right: "Reflecting back, I can see I'm totally at fault here and, given time, will strive with all my might to redress said offense."
Wrong: "Oh, please. I'll bet that thing isn't even loaded."
Right: "I am not now nor I have ever been under the influence of an illegal narcotic."
Wrong: "I *am* on a drug; it's called Charlie Sheen."
Right: "Jenkins, we're making a few changes and, unfortunately, your job has been eliminated. I'm very sorry."
Wrong: "Jenkins, we found porn on your company laptop. But since it's of my wife, the company lawyers have asked me to restrain myself and give you an unsatisfying, generic reason for getting your butt out of here. I'm so sorry I can't kill you right now."
Right: "You were blessed with good genes."
Wrong: "Your mom is SO. FREAKIN'. HOT! I would definitely hit THAT."
Malware recently infected part of The NASDAQ network.
The Top Signs the Stock Market Has Been Hacked
- The only stocks available are "VIGR," "LOL!" and "N00B."
- The opening bell now plays the Zelda theme.
- HAKR is trading at $1,000,000 per share and USUX is up sharply.
- Every six months or so the markets takes a wild dive for no apparent reason, only now it's a lot slower.
- The Dow Jones is now at 8,000. Rubles.
- With no buyers anywhere in the world, Microsoft stock dips to $0.000001 per share.
Sociologists say that, roughly speaking, members of "Generation X" were born between 1965 and 1980, while "Generation Y" folks were born between 1981 and 1995.
The Top Differences Between Generation X and Generation Y
Gen-X: will never forget when they first saw the Berlin Wall come down
Gen-Y: will never forget when they saw the first post on their Facebook wall go up
Gen-X: "Might as well Jump!"
Gen-Y: "This is the police. Step back from that ledge!"
Gen-X: believed that with talent, hard work and perseverance, nothing can stop you from becoming famous
Gen-Y: "I've got it! Let's make a video of me dressed as a mime and banging a sheep with a bottle rocket in my nose and put it on YouTube!"
Gen-X: jeans so tight you can barely get them past your butt
Gen-Y: jeans nowhere in the vicinity of your butt
Gen-X: grew up wanting to be next man in space
Gen-Y: grew up wanting to be next man in Kim Kardashian
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