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Jan. 7th, 2011|08:19 pm |
The Top Signs You're Not Cut Out for Parenthood
- "It's all right, Honey, I washed her on the 'delicate' cycle!"
- You really enjoy watching the birthing film -- backwards.
- You're embarrassed to be seen with your 2-year-old daughter because those designer diapers make her ass look fat.
- Rather than shell out for toys, you told kids Santa intentionally flew sleigh into skyscraper.
- "Make a poo-poo, do a shot!"
The Top Ways "Star Wars" Would Have Been Different If the Characters Were Stoners
- Vader's wheezing not mechanical.
- Everyone giggles when Han Solo's name is mentioned.
- Wookiee be havin' some mean dreads, mon.
- Obi-Wan doesn't shut down the Death Star's tractor beam until after he's raided the refrigerator and Han never even shows up 'cause he's stuck staring at the Slurpee machine at the Tatooine 7-Eleven.
- There's a reason it's called "Cloud City," you know.
- The musty stank in the Millenium Falcon? Not Chewbacca.
- That Yoda dude totally makes sense.
- Luke would have eaten one of those hot crossed buns off Princess Leia's ears.
- C3PO can't even translate English into English.
The Top Signs Your Significant Other Has Attention Deficit Disorder
- That's the seventh wedding anniversary present he bought you this year.
- Needs complete calm and isolation to do her job as an emergency room physician.
- The television got upset and turned itself off in a huff about excessive channel surfing.
- While it takes 10 minutes for her to bring a beer back from the refrigerator during the game, the toilets get cleaned, the laundry is changed, the mail is sorted, the beds are made, she picks something to make for dinner, and she brings popcorn back, too.
- She really needs to discuss your relationsh-- hey, squirrels! Did you see them? They're running in the trees!
- "How long have you been lying there naked?"
- Forgets to check if the toilet seat is down, then forgets to yell at you for leaving it up.
- Direct quote: "Oh, yes! Yes ... YES! ... oh, Oh, OH, YES! Hey, look at that spider."
The Top Signs You Are Here
- Everyone keeps telling you to "get the hell out of here," so here you must be.
- Your wife told you not to be here.
- Existentially, here is closer to the Mickey D's order line, thus a faster Whopper.
- Steven Hawking proved it. Or he ordered a cheeseburger. Dude is way hard to understand.
- The big-ass red arrow currently stuck in your head.
- The car stopped 3 hours ago, Chester.
- Well, this *is* the site of the Fourteenth Annual Asshole Convention, isn't it?
- Your presence is proven by the fact that your context has actuality only via your archetypal perception of it. That, and the butt-crater in your sofa cushion.
The Top Geeky Ways to Celebrate the Holidays
- Just like every year: All-day online marathon playing Grand Theft Sleigh: North Pole.
- Tweet about each gift as you open it.
- Sync the tree lights to your wireless router.
- Post on your Facebook wall: "OMG what's that clatter on the roof? LOL!"
- Forget milk and cookies: Leave Santa a pizza and egg nog flavored Red Bull.
The Top Christmas Specials Written by or for Lawyers
- "How the Grinch Allegedly Committed Third Degree Theft by Unlawful Taking of Christmas"
- "Twelve Angry Elves"
- "It's a Bum Rap, Charlie Brown"
- "All I Want for Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth and a Million in Damages"
- "Jack Frost Is Ordered to Pay Property Damages"
- "It's a Wonderful Life Sentence"
- "It's A Non-Billable Day Off, Charlie Brown"
- "'Twas the Night Before Trial"
- "You've Been Enjoined from Staging Your Public School Christmas Pageant, Charlie Brown!"
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