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Dec. 19th, 2010|05:19 pm |
The Top Bad Ideas for Tattoos
- "'X' marks the spot. Start digging here!"
- The Chinese character for "Japanese Character"
- Your mugshot
- "Bieber fever"
- "___ days since last arrest"
- "Mrs. Charlie Sheen Forever!"
The Top Hollywood Holiday Songs
- I'll Have a Bluescreen Christmas Without You
- Grandma Got Run Over by a CGI Reindeer
- The Little Drummer Boy (Who Was a Breakout Star From YouTube)
- It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Year-End Award Season
- Let's Do Blow, Let's Do Blow, Let's Do Blow
- God Rest Ye Merry Best Boy Grip
- Have Yourself a Boffo Box Office Christmas
- Do They Know It's Christmas? (Seriously, All My Agents Are Jewish)
- Walken in a Winter Wonderland
The Top Differences Had Rubber Never Been Discovered
- You think body cavity searches suck now? Picture a TSA agent wearing porcupine gloves, my friend.
- Bungee jumping would be indistinguishable from suicide.
- The entire fetish industry would be stuck with just leather. Boring!
- Traffic accident watchers would be breaking their collar bones weekly.
- European beaches much more visually pleasant with men in baggy shorts.
- Goodyear engineers disappointed with the results of their porcelain tire experiments.
- If you squeezed a duck in your bathtub, it would simply die.
The Top Signs You Bought a Fake iPhone
- On-screen assistance is provided by Clippy the Paperclip.
- Instead of a "Delete" button, it comes with an actual eraser.
- It has two knobs that you turn to generate the screen display.
- It comes with a long string that attaches to your wife's phone.
- Even the "productivity" apps you've downloaded do nothing but make farting noises.
The Top Country-Western Carols
- Hark! That Harold A-Hole's Swingin' With My Wife!
- All I Want for Christmas Is a Few Front Teeth
- Whose Child Is This?!?
- The Little Plumber Boy
- I Saw Mommy Kissing Sam 'n' Claude
The Top Signs Currency Has Been Improperly Printed
- The All-Seeing Eye atop the pyramid is bloodshot.
- Angling the bill in the light not only causes the ink to change color but it reveals a hologram of U.S. Treasurer Rosa Gumataotao Rios doing a striptease.
- You can't put your finger on it, but *something* isn't quite right with that elebenty-dollar bill.
- You're pretty sure "BIEBER SUX AZZ" isn't proper Latin.
- Mr. Trump says the new paper is not as soft as Charmin.
The Top Excuses for Weight Gain
- Your wife said she'd love you even if you were fat, so you're just putting it to a test.
- Global warming has made it too hot outside to exercise.
- You're a member of the "Clean Plate Club" and you got 14-inch plates for your wedding.
- You're validating the six degrees of bacon with every food group.
- The dog ate your diet plan. And then you ate the dog.
The Top Signs You Need a New Literary Agent
- Wants you to change your name to J.K. Bieber.
- It's bad enough that the Snooki's foreword completely misses the nuances of your theories on quantum physics, but she also dotted her i's with little hearts.
- Keeps comparing you to Hemingway. *Mariel* Hemingway.
- He asks you to send him 5000 words on a "sample character reference suitable for Superior Court."
- Insists that your next book should be 140 characters or less.
The Top Military Revelations in the Latest WikiLeaks Dump
- Most of the Armed Forces of the Islamic Republic of Iran are closet Gleeks.
- La Royale never builds poop decks on their ships, because they're naturally scared s***less.
- Kim Jong Il travels to the South Korean border every year on his birthday just to moon U.S. troops.
- An astonishing 86% of soldiers throughout the Commonwealth believe Freddy Mercury is the Queen of England.
- General Musharraf's nickname in the Pakistani Army was "Pornstache."
- Iraqi soldiers prefer to be paid in strips of bacon.
- Saudi Arabia paid retail for its F-15s; Israel got them wholesale.
- Armee de Terre regulations state that the last one to surrender has to buy the wine.
- Nearly 30 years later, Australia's Defence Intelligence and Security Group is still unable to figure out "Who Can It Be Now?"
The Top Rejected Greeting Card Themes
- Merry Christmas to the Godless Atheist Who'll Be Spending Eternity Sizzling in Hell
- Your New Wolf Blitzer Beard Makes You Look Older and More Sophisti... Well, Older!
- Congrats! I Heard You Purchased a Farm!
- Sorry to Hear About Your Impotence -- From My Wife, Who Heard About It Down at the Beauty Salon
- Welcome Home From Iraq, Mr. Was-Asked-and-Told
- Congrats! Your STD Was Featured in the New England Journal of Medicine!
- We Can't Tell If You're Happy with Your Botox Treatment
- Condolences. What Time Is the Reading of the Will? And Can I Find Out If I'm Even in It, to Maybe Save Some Gas?
- You de Man! At Least You Are, Post-Operation!
- Congratulations on a Successful Breast Augmentation Procedure; Best of Luck Raising the Funds to Have the Other One Done
The Top Features of the World's Fastest Chinese Supercomputer
- Finally quantifies the comparative "all the tea in China."
- It can simulate the effects of a monumental denial of service attack. Not that the government would ever plan something like that for real, of course.
- It can actually calculate, to the second, the value of the American dollar.
- Blue screen of death offers a pithy quote every time it appears.
- With so many GPUs, engineers haven't been able to stop playing WoW long enough to write any scientific software for it.
- The instruction manual is a little red book.
- Powered by four billion Chinese with "1" written on their left hands and "0" on their right.
- It still can't beat Kasparov at chess, but it's a whiz at Chinese Checkers.
- Sure, it can solve problems in seconds, but programming even "Hello, World" on a keyboard with 7,153 keys takes *months*.
The Top Ways to Protect Your Privacy on Facebook
- Surrender in Mafia Wars and join the Witness Protection Program.
- Post dozens of bikini photos. No other section of your page will ever be viewed.
- Move your Farmville location to Amish Country.
- Change your status to "In a relationship with Mark Zuckerberg."
- Learn how your kids use Facebook. Then do the opposite.
- Use the identity you just stole from MySpace.
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