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Nov. 19th, 2010|09:44 pm |
The Top Surprises in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"
- Hermione's "Breastus Enlargus" spell worked better on Hagrid.
- "I'm tired of these muggle-flicking Snapes on this muggle-flicking train!"
- I don't think anyone saw Hermione's "Waxus Brazilius!" spell coming.
- Right before the big battle, Harry brooms off to Canada to avoid the draft.
- Harry keeps asking Ron and Hermione if they want to help him learn the "Amoris Tertius" charm.
The Top Slogans for the Pirate Party
- "Our plank is 'Free Planks For Everybody!'"
- "Doing more for the free dissemination of porn than any other political party in history."
- "We would never steal YOUR data. Honest."
- "We're NOT the guys from Somalia!"
- "Imagine us doing to taxes what we did to file sharing."
- "We'll have whatever you're having."
The Top Signs the Dog Gave You Bad Advice
- Timmy did not fall down the well, he fell down well. Learn syntax, you damn mutt, and stop calling 911.
- Not only does dragging your ass on the carpet make your bunghole raw, it also gets you banned from the Oval Office.
- Mental note for next time: When you need to know which color wire to cut when disarming a bomb, you should take your advice from someone who isn't colorblind.
- You murdered the mailman for no reason, while that damn ice cream truck guy still lives.
- As it turns out, blowing up the cat *IS* a felony.
- "Oh sure, Your Honor. When *he* does it, he's 'aggressivelycaffectionate,' but when *I* do it, it's rape."
- As you suspected, balls just taste like balls.
The Top Haikus About Plastic Surgery
- Smooth out her wrinkles
Lift her jugs, tuck her tummy
Cougar on the prowl.
- Supportive hubby
Says you don't need new breasts, BUT
His penis votes "yes."
- Breast augmentation
At Ed's Discount Surgery
My boobs have melted
- Most hated by men
Breast reduction surgery
Doctor Mengele?
- Is that clay Play-Doh
Or the new Do-It-Yourself
Heidi Montag doll?
- Add length to willy?
Why suffer the surgery
When Corvette does same?
The Top Signs Your Neighbor Is Un-American
- Doesn't own a dog or cat, but thinks both are "delicious."
- Blocks your right to the pursuit of happiness by hanging her loofah over the hidden shower-cam you installed while she was out of town.
- When she calls out for her kids to come in for supper, the tongue clicks set off your Clapper.
- Doesn't seem to understand that if you don't deploy massive amounts of Christmas decorations before Veterans' Day, THE TERRORISTS WIN!!
- Refuses to support the waterboarding of telemarketers.
The Top Songs on Michael Jackson's Comeback Album
- An Even Whiter Shade of Pale
- P.D.T. (Pretty Dead Thing)
- Man in the Casket
- Dirtnap Diana
- I Wanna Rot With You
The Top Replacements for the Bayonet Assault Course
- Facebook Bullying
- Swiss Army Knife Assault Course
- PowerPoint Ranger Training
- Combat Cuddling
- Lightsaber Rattling
- Noogie Giving
- Marathon Halo Deathmatching
- The "What's That on Your Shirt?" Ruse
- MapQuesting / Google Street Viewing
- Butt Crack Sand Removal Techniques
The Top Better Endings to "When Life Gives You Lemons..."
- Start training to win a gold medal in puckering at the next Olympics.
- Trade them in for some limes to go in your gin and tonic.
- Crush 'em with a hammer, Gallagher-style.
- Then it's okay to give life herpes.
- Freeze them and hurl them at people who insist on giving you stupid platitudes while you're miserable.
- Become a billionaire with Lemonade.com.
- Throw the damn lemons back at life. I mean seriously, what kind of crappy Chanukah gift is lemons?
- Just shove them up life's ass and she'll fart like Febreeze.
The Top Rejected Geek Halloween Costumes
- "10 GOTO 10" t-shirt. (Identical twins only.)
- Sorry, but "Promiscuous Wi-Fi" isn't quite the same as "Slutty Router."
- An unsigned software authenticity certificate. Those things scare the heck out of sysadmins!
- "Come here and let me show you the most amazing Halloween costume: NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN..."
- "I'm not just some dude with a knife coming out of his back. I'm the guy who helped Mark Zuckerberg develop Facebook."
The Top Features of the Indian Government's Operating System
- Has text-to-speech feature, but you can't understand a word.
- The delivery guy treats the Gateway box with holy reverence.
- It was written in Turban C.
- Includes a freeware version of "Sitar Hero."
- Word processor includes "Sikh-and-replace" feature.
- With both Hindu and Muslim versions, debates over the best OS really *are* like a holy war.
The Top New Uses for Restaurant Waste
- Don't they already call this "Soup of the Day"?
- Last night's leftover burgers becomes today's chili, which becomes tomorrow's lawsuit.
- Weaponized burger grease leads to fewer enemy soldiers on the field because they have to spend so much more time cleaning the latrines.
- Rat food, same as ever.
- Leftover breakfast oatmeal for emergency road repairs.
The Top Most Popular Animals Books
- The Postman Always Tastes Nice
- Crime and Hit-on-the-Ass-With-a-Rolled-Up-Newspaper
- The Dragon With the Girl Tattoo
- Hairy Otter and the Half Shell Prince
- An Inquiry Into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Na---SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL!
- Love, Prey, Eat, Ms. Mantis
- The Prime Rib of Miss Jean Kobe
- Lady Chatterley's Lemur
- Sh*t My Dad Rolls In
- Sticks and the Lying Liars Who "Throw" Them
The Top Signs You're Not Getting Any Younger
- Your beer goggles are now bifocals.
- You have t-shirts older than your neighbor.
- You used to worry about your boobs failing the pencil test. Now your belly fails the pencil test.
- You keep eying that pretty young thing across the bar, not because you want to talk to her but because you are pretty sure she's one of your kids' friends.
- You remember when Pluto wasn't a planet in the first place.
- You used to babysit your UPS man.
- The "kids" you're yelling at to get off your lawn? They're from AARP.
- Your social security number has only 7 digits.
- You're not named after one of the people in the Bible. That *was* you.
The Top Differences in a 3-D "Star Wars"
- That's not a 3-D effect; it's *real* money George is taking from your wallet, Fanboy.
- If you thought the hyperspace jump was badass, wait until you see the entire plot unravel in 3-D!
- The characters are now two-dimensional! Except for Young Anakin, who's still flat.
- "Luke... I *AM* your father -- and stop looking at my gut!"
- Instead of choking that guy in the meeting scene, Vader shows off the Force by dumping your popcorn over your head.
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