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Sep. 28th, 2010|08:49 am |
Our friends all say I'm doing you wrong. I think we need to make sure the webcam in the bedroom is off.
My husband says he won't buy me the crossbow I asked for for Christmas. He says I might accidentally shoot him. I suppose there's a fine line between "accident" and "on purpose."
I think a really cool thing for blind people would be talking warning signs. The drawback would be the resulting explosion of the blind population due to a lack of natural predators.
One of our cats sits on the toilet lid and stares at the shower curtain while we take a shower. We're not sure if he's life-guarding or just amazed about how brave we are.
Women can be so inconsiderate. My girlfriend dumped me after calling me when I couldn't take her out to lunch because I had to go to a wedding. And it was *my* wedding. Jeez, try and understand, woman, it's just lunch!
I'm sure Bobby McFerrin never could have envisioned that so many people would listen to "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and immediately feel the urge to strangle the person next to them.
The Top Things to Avoid Saying to Your Drill Instructor
- "Is it true that D.I. stands for 'Dumb Idgit'?"
- "Nah, I didn't shine my boots. They're just gonna get dirty on the road march today."
- "What exactly are you overcompensating for?"
- "You know that war in Iraq where you got that Silver Star? It was illegal, dude."
- "I reported to the supply sergeant for a rake and a hoe, and he gave me a gardening implement and the phone number of yo mama."
- "I consider Don't Ask, Don't Tell to be unconstitutional."
- "Oh! I thought you said for me to polish *my* knob."
- "Maggot? Do you mean Musca domestica or Drosophila melanogaster?"
- "Since we're walking 20 miles anyway, can we stop halfway through and have a picnic?"
- "Now, now. Why don't we just discuss this over a nice cup of chai?"
The Top Cheap Ways to Treat Diseases
- Ask your great-grandmother. Whatever she did worked for her, didn't it?
- Download the iPhone or Wii stethoscope, EKG, EEG and diagnostic apps.
- Treat everything with potassium chloride injections. Hey, you didn't say treat *successfully*.
- A low-cost dialysis machine can be made from a Waterpik and kitty litter.
- Pay doctors like many attorneys are paid: Only for the cases they win.
The Top Signs Communism Is Working Well for Your Country
- Food shortages mean bread lines are a great place to meet supermodel-thin chicks.
- Home re-decoration is a snap, with paint available in four shades of grey: Sadness, Misery, Despair and Doom.
- When you're busy plotting how to steal and sell your grandmother's kidneys on the black market for food money, who's got time to burn brain cells on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"?
- The toilet paper might feel like sandpaper, but they give you as much of it as you can eat.
- Freedom of sp
The Top Changes to "Star Wars" on Blu-ray
- Yoda loses that annoying speech impediment and Princess Leia gets a much-needed hairdo update.
- The speech we've all been waiting for: "C-3PO, I am your father!"
- You didn't realize Alderaan had a Starbucks.
- Jar-Jar Binks digitally removed from all scenes and replaced with marginally more popular Rod Blagojevich.
- Fifteen extra minutes of Leia just hanging out in the golden bikini.
- Gredo still shoots first, but now you can count the hairs on his knobby fingers.
- Obi-Wan now ten feet tall with blue skin.
- Platinum version shows Jabba and Leia doing it; Ultra-Platinum takes that scene out again.
The Top Songs Played in Hell
- Let It Beelzebub
- Smells Like Spleen Kebabs
- Lucifer's on Skype With Neil Diamond
- Every 1's a Sinner!
- Blister 'n' Shout
- You Light Up My Ass
- Whole Lotta Shriekin' Goin' On
- Inciner8 Days a Week
- Another Brick in the Balls
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