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Sep. 8th, 2010|03:49 pm |
I cried because I had no shoes. That means everyone else at the table had two extra items of clothes for our strip poker game. Four, actually, since I wasn't wearing socks, either.
I keep telling everyone around me that one day I'm going to be president, but they just laugh and say it's never going to happen. Man, folks are so unsupportive in this prison.
The Top Dangers of Working in a Petting Zoo
- Learn the true meaning of goat rope.
- Can't wear flipflops in summer.
- Nothing turns off hot moms faster than a guy who smells like turkey poop and goat piss.
- All your co-workers are brown-nosers.
- The birds in the aviary talk to the birds outside the aviary. And that's why your car always needs a wash.
- Fake tan makes your fingers look like delicious carrots.
- Some of the adults who come alone are kinda *creepy*.
- Being flagged by PETA for "illegal use of hands."
- Forget and bring in your pit bull on "Bring Your Pet to Work" day.
The Top Signs You're About to Do Something Incredibly Stupid
- You're Googling "Guinness record" and "most weight suspended from a human scrotum."
- Pulling your uncle's finger seems such a small price to pay to get a real-life pony.
- There was a technical problem the first time, so the Nigerian prince's bank needs you to redo the electronic funds transfer.
- "Not tonight, honey. There's someone on the Internet who is WRONG about something."
- "Mentos?" "Check."
"Diet Coke?" "Check."
"Enema bag?" "Check."
The Top Signs of a Spacequake
- There's a massive rumbling, and all the iron objects in your home stick to the ceiling.
- Great, another code we have to make sure the ISS is up to.
- The Kuiper Belt is loosened a notch.
- Pluto briefly becomes a planet again.
- The China Cabinets on the ISS all begin to shake and rattle.
- The face on Mars has a couple of bandages on it.
The Top Least Effective Ways to Start a Closing Argument
- "As my jury consultant, Rod Blagojevich, once said to me...."
- "I remember the time *I* was on trial for this same offense..."
- "You know how episodes of 'Law & Order' have a dramatic momentum changing monologue? Well, I bet they never used... HAND PUPPETS!"
- "If you don't think I've proven my case by now, you probably never would, you dense pea-brained losers."
- "It's *easy* to throw around words like 'mob lawyer.' Almost as easy as it is to throw a body of an antagonistic juror over the side of a leisure craft in international waters. Deep, deep international waters."
- "Yes, yes, the state has provided reams of overwhelming evidence that simply cannot be challenged. Thirteen eyewitnesses, all of their testimony corroborated by high-resolution digital video recordings, complete with Dolby 7.1 channel surround sound audio. But I ask you: Would *I* knowingly represent a killer? Thank you."
- "Wait -- I'm the laywer for the DEFENSE?"
The Top Signs Your Kid Is Becoming a Programmer
- Doesn't bathe himself, likes to eat junk food, and has no friends. Just like every other kid.
- There's no way he could be turning into a total loser geek, so he must be a programmer.
- He can already count to "F."
- Rather then sneaking his peas to the dog one at a time, he performs a batch process to toss all the peas, triggered by a "no adult looking" flag.
- His teleconferences with his playmates make the E*Trade baby look like a lazy underachiever.
- Her first spoken words are "Hello, world!"
- Refers to his parents as "Super Users" and his older sister as "Sis Admin."
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