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Sep. 2nd, 2010|10:08 am |
I used to visit newsgroups on the Internet a lot, but I recently thought, "Why bother? If I want to be ignored when I speak, I can go hang out with my friends."
The Top Consequences of Cuts to Her Majesty's Armed Forces
- Only the non-bastard Royal family members will keep their honorary military titles.
- "Gents, we must scrap our oldest war plan: Retaking Boston."
- Field Marshals will become Small Garden Plot Marshals.
- Destroyers HMS Daring and Dauntless to be rechristened HMS Unassuming and Spineless.
- Commander Bond (on loan from the Royal Navy) may need to settle for domestic caviar.
- HQ Land Forces of the British Army downsized into Knights of the Round Table.
- Vegetarian-only guards at Tower of London should save on beef eating costs.
- Scottish regiments might be kilt off entirely.
- All RAF aircraft must be capable of running on whatever gritty, seawater-laced petroleum products the BP recovery teams provide.
The Top Wedding Faux Pas
- Bridal party dresses that would require addition of material to qualify as lingerie.
- The mother of the bride wearing white. White thigh-high boots.
- Instead of the garter you use the best man's necktie. While he's still wearing it.
- The groom still has stripper glitter on his face from last night's bachelor party.
- The bride is wearing white. As are all five of her kids. And two of her grandkids.
- Reducing expenses by selling ad space to divorce lawyers on the back of the bridal gown.
The Top Things Animals Learn From Watching Us
- Dog poop is such a valuable commodity it should be collected and put away.
- Humans lack the flexibility to properly groom themselves, but take great pleasure in licking their friends clean.
- The best way to attract a mate is to shave off all your fur.
- It's more fun to sit and stare at a box than it is to do the fun things the people in the box are doing.
- All that "Alpha Male" talk is bogus. It's obvious that the bitch runs the family.
The Top Benefits of Working Weekends
- Can manage fantasy football AND get paid for it.
- You can fart all you want in an empty office.
- Parking is free on weekends.
- During the week you pretty much have your choice of tee times, and almost the whole course to yourself.
- Grocery stores and strip clubs are much less crowded on Tuesdays.
- Get two days off during the week to watch Oprah.
- "Sorry Father Flanagan, I have to work this Sunday."
- Never have to go to work on Friday the 13th.
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