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Aug. 16th, 2010|08:19 am |
I guess everything really *is* relative. It's amazing how downright cheery the nightly news has become since I started worshipping Satan.
I have only one question about the Kyoto Accord: How many miles per gallon does it get?
Oh, great. This new day planner I bought has nothing but blank pages. Now I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing tomorrow.
The Top Things That Can Get a Gal Banned From the Women's Union
- "Okay, I admit it: More than six cats may be a bit excessive."
- You've had the faces of Moe and Larry tattooed on each breast -- and if a guy asks nicely, you'll show him where Curly resides.
- You regularly clean your ears out with a screwdriver.
- You put out a nice gingham tablecloth, then gut a freshly killed deer on it.
- Although you'd never do the old pull-my-finger gag, you love to play "squeeze my boob" with similar sound effects.
- Purchasing any greeting card featuring a chimp and a bikini.
- The whoopee cushion seemed like a good idea when you brought it into the meeting.
- You're already planning on lining up for tickets to the "Matrix" sequel.
- Instead of brushing your teeth on a Saturday morning, you use leftover beer as a mouthwash.
- Proposing that you take over as local precinct leader, then wussing out on the requisite knife fight to the death on the union hall roof.
- "Whoa! How about a courtesy flush over there, Diane?!?"
- You delay the decision to take your mom off life support until after the World Series.
- "Doing your nails" requires an air compressor and a power sander.
- Neglecting to pass on e-mails that are clearly marked: "Cute!! LOL!! Pass this on!"
- The stack of "Maxim" magazines piled on your toilet tank is paperweighted by a tub of petroleum jelly.
- You loudly proclaim that if "Dumb and Dumber" isn't the best movie of all time, you'll give up chewing tobacco.
The Top Things That Can Get a Guy Banned From the Men's Union
- You catch yourself thinking, "You know, what this bed needs is a few more pillows."
- "What do you think: a Zima or a white zinfandel?"
- You rhapsodize about taking that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.
- You not only know the difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan took first place at the county fair.
- "Ewww, gross! Two women kissing!"
- "You know, take away the steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it's just like ballet!"
- Your new Martha Burke signature putter.
- Not only can you identify Sarah Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the "artistic impression" scores in figure skating.
- You turn down playoff tickets so you can watch Cher's farewell concert on TV.
- You complain that the "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" movie was not true to the book.
- Sure, it's the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and you've had a lot to drink, but you can't resist commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they'd been finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.
- Your "Bridges of Madison County" lunch box.
- You not only sing show tunes at karaoke, you employ full choreography.
- You ask your barber to give you a "Richard Simmons."
- When the guys put you in charge of "entertainment" for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets to see Celine Dion.
- "No oral sex for me tonight, honey -- I don't feel very fresh down there."
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