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Aug. 12th, 2010|07:52 am |
I love "Date Night" with my wife. The way I see it, if we stay married, it's a beautiful romantic gesture. If we don't, it's good practice.
Working at the CIA has taught me that any American boy or girl really can grow up to be president. You just might not have control over which Middle Eastern country you wind up being president of.
If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck and knocks you out with a single karate kick to the head, it probably is a duck -- an awesomely BADASS ninja duck!
I was going to get a steel plate put in my head, but my insurance wouldn't cover it. Apparently, they only pay for getting a steel plate if there's some sort of medical reason for it. Just wanting to improve the radio reception on your Walkman doesn't cut it.
The problem with buying a black hole from the vending machine is that while the net weight makes you think you're getting a lot, you end up with a whole lot of empty bag.
The Top Things We Wish We Had Never Said
- "Those spike-heeled boots and that silk teddy accentuate your already stunning figure, Master Drill Sergeant, sir!!"
- "An Amway-selling Scientologist? How fascinating! Come right on in."
- "Falco! Dude, you gotta check out this Mozart record of my dad's! This guy rocks!"
- "It's an excellent script, Mr. Lucas. Audiences will love it. Especially the floppy-eared thing with the pseudo-rasta accent."
- "Dude, I dreamed I was at work naked, and you were there singing show tunes."
- "Another goth vampire wannabe? Bite me!"
- "Your leg feels like the soft underbelly of a pike."
- "What luck! I was afraid this audit was going to be for my *other* Social Security number!"
- "Fifty bucks says I can stick my p*nis through that electric fence without touching the sides."
- "Hey, for a laugh, let's trick those godless Americans into *thinking* we've got weapons of mass destruction when all we've really got are mountains of sand!"
- "Are you kidding? I'd LOVE a prairie dog for my birthday!"
- "Hey! Easy with the ruler, Mother Superior. That's my whackin' hand."
- "I'm not paying to have it dry-cleaned -- it's from the Gap, for God's sake! Just put a little club soda on it and it'll come right out, Monica."
- "Officer, would you like to hear my theory of the nightstick and how it compensates for undersized male genitalia?"
- "Surely the smartest, not the strongest, should lead. So you tell your Mr. Dover there's a *new* head of Cell Block D."
- "Go ahead and marry her, Dad. I'm sure Anna Nicole really loves you."
- "I'll bet a splash of Aqua Velva would feel refreshing on my newly shaved scrotum."
- "Hey, if I'm going to get drunk and pass out, the safest place to do it is right here in my own frat house."
- "Please, God, just let me pass this final and I promise I'll never smoke pot again as long as I live."
- "Man, being Martha Stewart's lawyer is boring. I wish something interesting would happen."
- "Okay, fine! That dress *does* make your butt look big! Happy now, Ms. Bloated Water Retaining Menstrual Cramp?!?"
- "Hey, man, let's celebrate tonight's concert by *all* of us getting Milli Vanilli tattoos!"
- "No, Britney, I think we should wait until we're out of high school to have sex."
- "Mr President, as Director of the CIA, I believe it's my responsibility to inform you that Saddam Hussein has been making fun of the way you pronounce the word 'nuclear.'"
- "I bet your breasts would look great in zero gravity."
- "We're sorry, Ms. Rowling, we just can't imagine this whole wizard thing catching on with today's kids."
- "Free LASIK surgery done by medical students? Sweet!"
- "Hey, this Starbucks place is pretty good! I wish they'd open up one in my house."
The Top Signs Your Father Is a Pimp
- Your name: John
Your brother's name: John
Your other brother's name: John
Your sister's name: Trixie
- Buys all his clothes at "Dennis Rodman's House of Cool-Looking Shit."
- Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.
- Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.
- Comes home from work grumbling about "that damn Roxy in the S&M Department."
- When he's carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, "$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!"
- Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.
- After you collect for your paper route, he demands his "taste."
- Charlie Sheen is your godfather.
- You're the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.
- His most common threat: "Don't make me slap you -- this is my day off!"
- Enough about the stable already, where's the damn pony?
- Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.
The Top Movies About Oral Sex
- Goodfellatio
- I'm Gonna Make You Suck 'er!
- Aponherlips Now
- Super Size Meat
- Romancing the Bone
- Harry Potter and the Gobbler of Spunk
- The Hills Have Teeth
- Kneel and Deliver
- Butch Flaccidly and the Tonguedance Kid
- Lock, Cock and Two Smoking Testes
- Prelude to a Jizz
- Thank You for Smoking My Meat Pipe
- The Big Slurp
- The Mighty Sucks
- The Muncherian Candidate
- The Quick and the Head
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