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Jul. 29th, 2010|11:48 am |
You had me until "Hello."
Something tells me I need to come up with a better pickup line than I could totally see myself stalking you."
Whenever I rent a horror movie and some knife-wielding lunatic jumps out of the shadows, I get real mad. I mean, come on I'm trying to watch the friggin' movie.
The Top Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Psychiatrist Say
- "Go ahead. Jump."
- "Well, now there's side-effect I hadn't heard about."
- "Forget Freud. Mengele was the man."
- "Remember, it's down the river not across the street."
- "Would you like a copy of my new book, 'Treating Depression Without Prescriptions'?"
- "You're not sitting in the wet spot, are you?"
- "This imaginary friend of yours... is she hot?"
- "Let's talk about that time you walked in on your mom and dad. Be detailed."
The Top Advantages to Being an Old Guy in Boot Camp
- Weeks of hearing nothing but cadence calls gives you a newfound appreciation for that noise those kids listen to nowadays.
- You and the First Sergeant share all the same cultural references.
- It's impossible to be scared of a drill sergeant when you've been married for 20 years and have teenagers.
- You have so many near-heart attacks during PT that they finally pass you just to get rid of you.
- You know slang epithets the D.I.'s never heard.
- No amount of harassment can make you wet your pants since they confiscated your Flomax.
- Your extensive male-pattern baldness means you automatically have a hairstyle that's "high and tight."
- Once you've changed an infant with a blow-out diaper in the back seat of a compact car during a blizzard, field stripping and reassembling a rifle is a piece of cake.
- You don't need Reveille. You're automatically up at 0500 every day -- to pee.
The Top Signs a Zookeeper Is Losing It
- Has the zebras segregated into the black ones with white stripes and the white ones with black stripes, but insists on equal rights for both groups.
- Strips down in front of the crowds daily, claiming he's "just molting."
- Has been testing the "monkeys with typewriters do Shakespeare" hypothesis, but with sloths, pencils and Proust.
- Moons the peacocks while screaming, "Right back at ya, bitches!"
- Keeps referring to the alpaca as "Mrs. Zookeeper."
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