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Jul. 28th, 2010|10:40 am |
I regret that I have but one life to give towards avoidance of military duty.
Lysol says there are lots of germs on my hand soap pump. But how the hell am I supposed to remember to wash my hands whenever I touch it?
If you don't complete your work in a school grade, they'll give you another full year in which to get it done. Yet one more way school doesn't prepare you for the real world!
I despise it when those jerk perverts call and wake you up in the middle of the night, talk dirty for a few minutes, then hang up. Slow down, Speedy -- give a girl time to catch up!
It takes more effort to hate than to love. Something to keep in mind if you're looking to burn off some calories and improve cardiovascular fitness.
The Top Lindsay Lohan Pet Peeves
- Everyone in here thinks I'm a real lesbian!
- While she's sitting in jail, who's searching for the *real* drunken, drug-abusing tramps?
- The fuzzy line between "fun party girl" and "skanky drug-addicted ho" is so hard to see when you're wasted.
- The challenge of picking out the right Father's Day card.
- Britney gets all pantiless upskirt shots from the paparazzi. All I get is the *negative* publicity.
The Top Geek Jargon Terms
- Deepwater Bug: An application so bug-ridden that even the experts can't fix it.
- iJaculate: Bragging about your latest Apple product acquisition.
- UNIX Eunuchs: Programmers whose voices get excited and high-pitched when they discuss coding
- Toyota Code: Code the at mysteriously runs faster, then crashes without warning.
- Ozzy Osbourne: Code that is unintelligible to anyone except the programmer and his closest friends and family.
- Speed Trap: Code added to intentionally slow down execution simply so that when performance is an issue it can be removed.
- Out-of-Scope Creep: A demanding end-user with poor oral hygiene.
The Top New Chocolate-Enhanced Products
- 10W40 Cocoa oil. That may be smog, but it smells like toll house cookies.
- Super-Cooled Near Infra-Red Orbital Space Camera, Now With Chocolate!
- Chocolate Erlenmeyer flasks: Experimentally a little limiting, perhaps, but pop a little whipping cream in the centrifuge, titrate a little caramel, and you'll have the entire lab eating out of your hand.
- Chocolate Segways, for something to snack on during the 5-mph commute to work.
- Cocoa-nuts genital spray to... well, let's just say you and your date will both enjoy dessert.
- Scientists who might not understand the point of flowers and candy are more likely to appreciate Chocolate-Enabled Procreative Act Probability Enhancement Modules.
- A much tastier dark matter substitute.
- The first fully organic nuclear plant is built in Hershey, PA, where the local residents *hope* for a meltdown.
- It is clearly beyond the ability of science, but it would be cool if we could figure a way to encase a roasted peanut in chocolate and then coat the chocolate with some kind of melt-proof candy surface.
The Top Things You Don't Want to Hear at Your High School Reunion
- "Nice rack... John."
- "Say, weren't you that guy who got his wang stuck in a test tube in the science lab and they had to call the fire department?"
- "Hey, Jim, you should see if you can get on 'The Biggest Loser.'"
- "I always hated everybody at this school, but back then I didn't have the firepower to do anything about it."
- "Sister Eleanor just showed up. No, not the math teacher. Your ex-girlfriend."
- "Isn't it weird how after 25 years, all the cliques sit together and the rest of us just end up at the corner table again?"
- "Well, I remember YOU, and I made you this mix tape..."
- "You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney..."
- "Hey, Mr. Football Captain! Table 8 needs bread."
- "Well, yeah, Jen was okay, but Angelina is my true soulmate. Let's see a picture of YOUR wife, dude."
The Top Creative Ways to Explain Missed Deadlines
- "The recall of the e-mail with the attached project sent six hours before the deadline won't finish in time to send the e-mail with the improved version until 3 days from now. Curse you, Outlook!"
- "Just recovered from World Cup Fever."
- "Deadlines, schmedlines. Let's Limbo!"
- "Too weak to finish project due to sympathy Lohan hunger strike."
- "I was trying to shift the paradigm like you told us in that last crew meeting, and I got stuck in second gear."
- "Tried to come in early, but Prius kept suddenly accelerating past my exit."
- "Was trying to get information from team members using my new iPhone 4."
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