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Nov. 2nd, 2005|10:10 pm |
The Top Differences If Cats Ran the Courts
Witnesses have to get used to testifying while waist-deep in litter.
Mouse death penalty: No appeals, it's personally and immediately inflicted by the prosecutor.
Every case is declared a mistrial, because the judge finds everything "utterly boring and not worth my time."
The judge prefers to hear your closing argument while curled up in your lap.
For some reason, counsel representing canines never fares well in their courtrooms.
The judge always sits in the middle of the documents you're trying to introduce.
"Mr. Foreman, have you reached a-- hey! A string!"
Schedule: 9:00am-9:05am: In Session. 9:05am-11:00am: Nap. 11:00am-2:00pm: Lunch. 2:00pm-2:05pm: In Session 2:05pm-4:00pm: Nap. 4:00pm: Adjourned.
The court system becomes incredibly backed up when everyone is now given nine appeals.
Regardless of how blind you are, bringing your seeing eye dog to court is a really bad idea.
The administrative judge always saves the choicest "lap sitting" and "head scratching" assignments for herself.
Fat middle-aged women keep showing up during trials to "take Precious to the vet."
Contempt of court punishment ends as soon as you can produce a can of tunafish or redirect the sunlight onto the bench.
Bailiffs trade six-shooters for six-scratchers.
Due to his insistence on re-marking his territory every morning, the courtroom now smells like a litter box. Sadly, this is better than it usually smells.
"Bail is set at 100 bags of Friskies."
Instead of objecting, attorneys would spray each other.
The Top Signs Your Spouse Is Preparing to Run for President in 2008
When you left the White House, she put everything in the "Potomac Self-Storage" facility and paid eight years in advance.
Instead of being called "Chief Cook and Bottle Washer" now demands to be referred to as "Commander-in-Chef."
She starts moving the skeletons in your closet to the basement, behind the storage bins and bodies of political opponents.
Because all politicians have affairs. That's why he did it, right? Because he's going to run for president... yes, that must be it.
Instead of bickering with the neighbor over who borrowed whose tools, he's started muttering, "Just wait... in January of '09 I'll nuke his ass."
You find fewer hookers on your bedroom, but more campaign donors.
Why is she trying to get your brother Roger into rehab now? She's never cared about him before.
Wants to trade you in, not for a "trophy wife," but for a "demographically friendly wife (with ties to battleground states)."
Refuses to initiate sex until the latest polling data as to whether or not to initiate sex is collected and analyzed.
You haven't believed a word he's said for the past year and a half.
You both agree the BDSM play needs to stop after she scratches "Mme. President" into your back. |
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