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Jul. 21st, 2010|08:16 am |
After my accident, the doctors told me I shouldn't be alive. It wasn't a medical opinion, though -- they were expressing a deeply held personal belief.
Men are not as shallow as we're sometimes made out to be. If you give a man a choice between saving the universe and getting laid, he will inevitably choose saving the universe, after only a second or two of indecision.
You'd think that after all he's done for his country, Captain America would have been promoted to a higher rank by now.
Most people consider having oily skin a bad thing, but if I ever fall into a giant vat of bread dough, I know I'll have no problems escaping.
I took out a second mortgage last month so I could go on a trip to Italy, buy a new car and pay off my bills. Man, is my landlord is pissed.
The Top Side Effects of Internet Via Power Lines
- Out: "DSL or cable?" In: "AC or DC?"
- Even your local church's website is shocking.
- Death row inmates demand the electric chair so they can experience one last porn website in virtual reality.
- With all the naughty stuff being downloaded, transmission towers stand a bit taller.
- Your home's power meter measures in kbps.
- Every website's content is always current.
The Top Movies About the BP Disaster
- Finding Nemo, Washed-Up on a Beach
- The Perfect Shitstorm
- Coastbusters
- The Pelican Grief
- Oceans a-Lubin'
- Incompetent Basterds
- Gush, Gush, Sweet Charlatans
- O Seafood Dinner, Where Art Thou?
- Silence of the Clams
- *Screw* Willy!
The Top Haikus of the Elements
Chlorine in the pool
Peculiar taste in my mouth
But better than piss
Life as we know it
Is based mostly on carbon
Even when dead, Jim
Who can pronounce it,
Molybdenum is like it,
Platypus of names
Uranium, name
Like Uranus, yet anal
Jokes not write themselves
First you preserve them,
Next stuff them in a coffin,
Then you Barium
Yesterweek, I'm not
Half of what I used to be.
Being Radon sucks
Hydrogen so light,
Filling zepp'lins so massive.
Bright flameballs to see
Why is K all wet?
Phosphorous took its P first.
Poor Potassium
Lead plays basketball
Better than Jordan. On fish
Line, always sinks hook
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