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Jul. 9th, 2010|08:21 am |
Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous woman. But that's just because I lost a bet at sorority party and had to eat a Barbie doll.
I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
I guess my roommate constantly telling me that he's "in the mood" wouldn't be such a bad thing if we weren't in prison.
I told the cops I wasn't afraid of them because, just like the octopus, I could create a dark cloud for camouflage and escape. They laughed, but the joke's on them: They're never going to get that stain and smell out of their squad car.
The Top Reasons Irishmen and Scotsmen Tend to Get Relieved
- In-fighting over whether it's spelled "whisky" or "whiskey."
- Camo or no camo, you can spot those bloodshot eyes from *miles* out.
- "I'll let you know after I finish these Guinness... Guinnesses... Guinni... Guinea... ferget it, figger it out yourself, I'm thirsty."
- Didja ever know an Irishman or a Scotsman *not* to give his opinion?
- Insistence on frugality goes too far when they declare that the entire battalion has to share one tank.
- When was the last time you heard about a Scottish or Irish military operation that didn't involve the word "rebellion" or "uprising"?
- The kilt was bad enough, but dancing on the bar? TMI.
- Having Taliban commanders over for sing-songs, blarney and pints of Guinness is not a successful strategy.
- Fondness for plaid makes the whole task force look like a giant Catholic girl's school.
The Top Slogans for Beautopia
- Absolutely no chance of meeting Joan Rivers.
- Where the boob jobs outnumber the brain cells.
- Where all our pool boys look like Tom Cruise, but don't act like him.
- We don't accept no fuglies.
- President Biel welcomes you.
- Where the beautiful people live, play, work, and purge.
- F#@k the Eye of the Beholder.
- Even the Humor List contributors are smoking hot.
The Top Things to Do on Your First Day Back in the Office
- Find out who filled your cube with styrofoam peanuts, glued your phone to desk, and replaced your chair with a live baby elephant.
- Put away the golf clubs, have the Oval Office dusted, blame Bush for something.
- Buy lunch because raiding the refrigerator the first day back makes it too easy for someone to point the finger at you.
- Deflate and hide the blow-up geek, remove the "I'll look into that" auto-reply on your email, and stop the random spreadsheet generator on your computer.
- Spend four hours catching up on all the jokes your coworkers e-mailed.
- Eat the sandwich you left in the refrigerator, get food-borne illness, file workers comp claim.
- Delete all the fake voice mails you left yourself to fill up you mailbox so no one could leave you a new message.
- Introduce yourself to your boss as the new guy, guaranteeing at least three weeks before they expect any work to be completed.
The Top Movie Lines About Vuvuzelas
- "I find your lack of tonality disturbing."
- "I love the sound of bleating in the morning. Sounds like... mediocrity."
- "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You drove me nuts with that stupid vuvuzela. Prepare to die."
- "As God as my witness, I'll never complain about Yanni again!"
- "I'll blow what she's blowing."
- "So tell me, Eddie, is that a vuvuzela in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
- "Usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a musical instrument of your stature."
- "Drunkly my dear, I don't give a hoot."
- "Mama always said, 'Life is like a vuvuzela. Sometimes it blows.' Not to mention the endless torment.'"
- "Al. AL! It's Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin Yankovic? You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, listen to THIS!"
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