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Jul. 7th, 2010|07:57 am |
I scream a lot during sex. It really bothers my husband, though, because I scream things like, "I really hate this wallpaper!!"
The steely glare resulting from my query suggests that, yes, my wife does indeed feel as shitty as she looks today.
It's really hard to find good entertainment for my family of four. How many movies do you know that have fighting robots, pink unicorns, tearful confessions and bikini car washes?
Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson should be cellmates in jail. Partly to protect them from the rest of the prison population, but also because it would be interesting to see which one of them ends up the bitch.
Just as the book says, all I really needed to know I learned in kindergarten, like sharing, how to get along with others, the importance of playing fairly, how to kill silently using only a piano wire as a garrote... No, wait, that last one I may have learned in Ms. Haggerty's fifth grade music class, but you get the idea.
The Top "Defenses" BP Will Use in Gulf Oil-Spill Lawsuits
- "Attractive nuisance: The seawater was just *begging* for someone to filth it up."
- "Hey, the gulf's a big, big place. How do you even know that oil is from *us*?"
- "It was totally unforeseeable that Mrs. Palsgraf would set off fireworks and blow up our wellhead."
- "Technically, God soiled the Lower Gulf Tectonic Shelf by littering it with seawater."
- "It was caused by Russians spies."
- "The only thing for which we are guilty, perhaps, is being overzealous in trying to wean America from its dependence on foreign oil."
The Top Attempts by BP to Put a Positive Spin on the Gulf Oil Spill
- "You Yanks didn't seem to mind a little pollution when you dumped all of our tea in your harbor."
- "BP: Keeping your Gulf Coast quiet at Spring Break time"
- "Captain Hazelwho?"
- "Free-range oil makes for healthier, happier gasoline."
- "Let's put this in perspective: The oil that's escaping into the Gulf is still only a fraction of the oil used by professional wrestlers."
The Top Next-Generation Storage Media
- Massive cloud computer made from unearthed Atari "E.T." game cartridges.
- Sub-cutaneous needle ink pricks. Sadly, it is write once, read many.
- That chip the government implanted in your brain.
- Alzheimer's Brand Truly Random Access Memory.
- Underutilized supermodel brains.
- To prevent any possible access by hackers, data will be stored in magnetic strips lining cheerleader panties.
- Words and images are encoded in patterns of carbon nano-particles applied via wooden stylus to ordinary 0.003" thick paper.
The Top Not-So-Worthy Engineering Projects, part 2
- World's smallest bottle of beer.
- World's largest diaper.
- A Minoxidil formulation specifically for kneecaps.
- World's shortest bridge.
- Unleashing the true power of cheese.
- Disease-resistant weeds.
- Web-enabled bathrobe.
- A way to fax coffee.
- Armor-piercing chicken nuggets.
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