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Jun. 30th, 2010|08:08 am |
Our baby daughter always fights being laid into bed. Sure, it can be pretty annoying now, but I hope it takes at least 18 more years for her to outgrow it.
I knew it would only be a fad item, but in the sex-toy industry you have to seize any opportunity that comes your way. Sadly, now that the USA has been knocked out of the World Cup, I'm facing a rapidly-declining market for my "vulvazelas."
Not to blame the victim, but let's be honest: Most people who get bitten by vampires were probably going to end up selling their blood down at the local clinic anyway.
Dammit! After the break-in at the morgue and all the work with the razor, scalpel and Crazy Glue, I still can't get the wiring right for these eyes in the back of my head.
The Top Signs Your Divorce Won't Be Pretty
- On her Facebook.com survey, you are running neck-and-neck with Hitler in the popularity poll.
- She's sawing the house in half, because a line down the middle just won't satisfy her. Well, nothing ever DID satisfy her. Except her Pilates instructor. Hence the divorce.
- He keeps singing endless verses of "I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am."
- The judge doesn't seem to be buying your claim of complete fidelity during your marriage. She also closely resembles someone you picked up in a bar a couple months ago.
- You wouldn't normally be worried about him coming back from Home Depot with all those bricks for a basement project. But he's become such a Poe fan lately.
- The person delivering the summons is looking for "Lying, Cheating Jackass Johnson."
- She files change of address forms that list your new residence as "a refrigerator box under the bridge."
- You spy a copy of "Lorena Bobbitt: My Story" on her nightstand, and when you open it, you see it's inscribed with "You go, girl!"
- A block-long line of fifteen year old boys is standing outside your door with flowers, condoms, and fliers reading "Good for One Free Lay from Slutty Mrs. Duncan at 415 Oak Street."
The Top Positions in the Nerd Kama Sutra
- Pumping Fist Over Phallus
- The MSN Butterfly
- The Harmonious Convergence of the Dual Processors
- Worf Ascending
- Left Hand Clicks, Right Hand Wanks
- Magazine on Lap, Man Trying Not to Alarm Other Bus Passengers
- The Parents' Basement
- Greasing the Slide Rule
- The Mountain Orc Being Slayed With a +5 Dexterity Charmed Broadsword
- Man Horizontal, Woman on Television
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