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Jun. 23rd, 2010|02:06 pm |
On a bad day, I have mood swings -- but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground.
Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but when I was a young World Cup fan, we didn't go around making annoying buzzing noises with our vulvas.
"Give me freedom or give me death!" could possibly result in you getting death, so I invented a safer version. I approach a group of women and cry, "Give me freedom or give me sex!" Guaranteed freedom -- albeit with some restrictions in the restraining order.
I'm so stoked that my new Honda has these two holders for my Pringles and my bong. If only they had thought to make it so I could bring along a beverage, too.
The Top Signs Your Doctor Went to Law School by Mistake
- If you ask for a second opinion, he overrules you.
- She always asks you to provide a chain of evidence for you urine sample.
- Your prescription is still written illegibly, only now it's 20 pages long.
- After every examination, he offers you an opportunity for cross-examination.
- She charges you a "document fee" for the prescription you get on the way out the door.
- He checks your pulse while taking your blood pressure, then double bills his time.
- A minute or so after explaining his diagnosis, another doctor enters and rebuts everything he just said.
- "I have listened carefully to your liver. I have considered your blood pressure. I find you, Stephen Hawking, to be in perfect health."
- After telling you his diagnosis, he mumbles that "boom-boom" sound from "Law & Order."
The Top Signs Your Kid Is a Science Fiction Fan
- She spends WAY too much time at Radio Shack.
- "You're not on Arrakis *now*, young man -- we can spare the water for your bath!"
- Other children know the names of the characters in the latest Disney film. *Your* child can name all the planets, asteroids AND gaseous anomalies in the Gamma quadrant.
- She wants the next family vacation to be in Roswell, New Mexico.
- You suggest he take a second language at school. He perks up and asks, "Klingon?!"
- When he raises his hand in class, he actually gives the Vulcan hand salute.
- Refuses to go to bed without her Isaac Asimov doll.
- Instead of finding a Playboy magazine between his mattress and boxspring, you find Starlog.
- Other parents: Have to come down to the station to bail their kids out for DWI again.
You: Have to come down to the station to bail out your kids for hacking NASA again.
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