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Apr. 28th, 2010|08:01 am |
Everyone in my department got laid off except me. So now there's *only* I in team.
Rusty won't accept my Facebook friend request. "Man's best friend," my ass!
Some advice from my "lessons learned" file: If your hobby involves the use of infected goat bladders, do not mention it in your personal ad.
Some employees of the country's top financial watch-dogs, the Securities and Exchange Commission, spent hours gawking at porn, according to a new report. One senior attorney at the DC headquarters who earns over $200k a year spent up to eight hours a day looking at and downloading pornography.
The Top Signs a Government Employee Is Watching Porn
- The Chair of the Foreign Affairs Committee just earmarked for $100M for Sybian relief, yet you can't find Sybia on the map.
- You just don't remember posing like that for your driver's license photo.
- The head of the Department of the Interior just proposed protected wetlands status for Jenna Jameson's genitalia.
- Your marriage license has your husband's name and "OMG BOOBZ" for your name.
- An in-house CIA memo announces they've caught Omama Bin Layin.
The Top Rights the Founding Fathers Left Out of the Bill of Rights
- The inalienable right to pass gas in a public house after a particularly large tankard of ale.
- The Right of Procrastination.
- The right to a beverage that is Less Filling but also Tastes Great.
- The Right to Bear Fruit.
- The Right to Party Like it's 1799.
- "The government will abridge no law preventing citizens from 'doing the hokey pokey.'"
- The Right to Keep and Arm Bears.
- The Right to Believe the Constitution Says Whatever You Want It to Say.
The Top Ways to Save Print Media
- Start a rumor that news ink has the same chemical composition as certain little blue pill.
- Personal delivery of your paper every minute.
- Limit each news article to only 140 characters.
- Get rid of expensive, superfluous departments. Like fact checking.
- Free 24-hour high-speed Internet access with each day's newspaper.
- Hire Steve Jobs to give a presentation on how great and versatile a newspaper is.
- Perforate the pages in six-inch squares so they can be torn off and put to the use they deserve.
The Indian military has made a chili grenade from the world’s hottest chili, the bhut jolokia.
The Top Chili Grenade Quotes
- "Prepare to be Scovilled!"
- "Listen up! The next guy that throws upwind is out of the fox-hole."
- "I love the smell of bhut in the morning!"
- "Let's see how long you can hold your breath, suckers!"
- "This Bhut's for you!"
- "Remember Blazing Saddles!"
- " " (Mouth open, eyes bulging, but no sound or breath.)
- "When they said to expect a 'smokin hot B.J.,' this is NOT what I had in mind!"
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