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Mar. 17th, 2010|08:27 am |
I just can't win. When I asserted my right to act as my own attorney, the judge charged me with practicing law without a license.
The Top Ways to Prevent Asteroids from Hitting Earth
- Send a little spinning triangular spaceship to blast them away, one by one.
- Fill it with hot women and put me in orbit. I don't quite know how it works, but I guarantee the asteroid will steer far away from the planet.
- Package all the bad movies about asteroids and send them into space. The mass should act as a suitable deflector at distances of 2 AU.
- Hide behind the moon.
- "At the count of three, everybody in the Eastern Hemisphere start pushing with their feet!"
- No one hits a planet wearing glasses.
- Use a sharpshooter from the International Space Station. A bullet from a long distance should work pretty well to deflect it.
The Top Disney Movies About the Internet
- Linux and the Tramp
- Mary Pop-Ups
- Sleeping Beauty and Her Dial-Up AOL Connection
- 404 Dalmatians Not Found
- Peter Spam
- Snow White and the Seven Hidden Dorm Cams
- A Bug's Life: The Story of Microsoft Windows
- Dildo and Snatch: Your Guide to Internet Porn
- The Lyin' King: Bill Gates' Antitrust Deposition
- 20,000 Lines Written in C
The Top St. Patrick's Day Pick-Up Lines
- "Well, lass, we're the only ones still standing. How about it?"
- "I named my pee-pee 'Guinness'
Ye can see 'e's 'angin' out.
And when 'e saw ye with 'is eye,
'e went from pale to stout!"
- "Lassie, it's your ancestral duty to drive the snake out of my pants!"
- "I work for Aer Lingus Culinary Department. Do the math."
- "You've already had seven Guinness draughts? Brilliant!"
The Top Ways to Commit Suicide at Work
- Dumpster-dive into the industrial-size paper shredder bin. It gives new meaning to "death by a thousand cuts."
- Slit your wrists and/or throat with sticky notes.
- raze the break room refrigerator that hasn't been cleaned out since the 1990s.
- Snort copier toner.
- Stop driving and get out to take a quick leak. (Pilots and subway train conductors only.)
- Play Russian roulette with the nail gun.
- Just show up day after day for 40 years.
- Lock yourself in the garage with the company car. That way, your spouse can receive death benefits *and* gas reimbursement.
- Death of a Thousand Punctures: A stapler and 500 staples.
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