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Mar. 13th, 2010|03:49 pm |
It's dumb that people make such a big deal about how wealthy Bill Gates is. So what? If I had all his money I'd be just as rich as he is.
The instructions on my new medication say, "Take one pill twice daily." I hate taking it the second time though, because it always tastes like barf.
The Top Signs You've Purchased Used Underwear
- Your edible panties weren't supposed to be crotchless.
- They're already sun-faded down to the wannabe-gangster-douchebag line.
- Your new panties smell like George Clooney's aftershave.
- The care instructions are in Latin and roughly translate to Wash in stream, let dry on large rock."
- You find a piece of yellow tape on the inside that reads, Exhibit A: State vs. Roethlisberger."
The Top Signs That Oscar Campaigning Was Out of Control This Year
- The only profitable companies in the entire country for the last sixth months have been Wilshire Blvd PR firms.
- Every ad in Variety began with "almost DIRECTED BY CLINT EASTWOOD."
- Ving Rhames vowed to get medieval on the asses of all voters not supporting Tarantino.
- "Besides, were the Nazis *really* that bad?"
- Push-polling mentioning that Dick Cheney liked "Avatar" and didn't like "The Hurt Locker". Do you vote with Cheney?
- C'mon, a chick won for Best Director. Somebody traded something for that, man.
- Sandra Bullock attended the opening of a jar of almonds.
- James Cameron woke up to find a severed ikran head in his bed.
- The Best Actress nominees offered "upskirts" to all Academy members.
The Top Reasons to Refuse That Offer
- Strings are attached, but no chains or leather straps.
- Not enough money, dude! You have your standards when jury tampering.
- You really do need at least one kidney.
- It's unlikely a real hooker would sport a shoulder-holster under her halter top.
- Because last time you accepted, your cats wouldn't speak to you for a week.
- Re-reading the fine print shows you are NOT giving your soul to Santa.
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