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Mar. 5th, 2010|08:47 am |
The judge said he was afraid that my frequent thefts of Viagra have made me a hardened criminal.
They say the truth will set you free. Just be sure there aren't any cops within earshot when you try this one out.
Taking a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time was my first mistake, but calling it a business trip and billing my company is probably what got me fired.
The Top 9 Features of Britain's New Stealth Submarine
- A diving board.
- Large floor porthole for Tony Blair to see his approval ratings.
- Water-based stealth touch-up paint.
- Manchester United now plays their home games there.
- Fancy French mustard.
- Energy-smart double-paned windows.
- Comes standard with a spare aircraft carrier inside.
- Steve Jobs, who is testing software for the soon to be released Apple iSub.
- An Easy Button.
The Top Gentle Ways to Fire Someone
- "You know that jerk in Accounting that has it out for you? You won't be working with him anymore!"
- "Good news! We've arranged it so you can spend more time at home with your family!"
- Put a partition wall in the entrance to his cubicle.
- "I'm going to need you to proactively evaluate the government's job stimulus effectiveness."
- "AFiredGuySaysWhat?"
- "Simon says hop on one foot. Simon says update your resume."
- Do it the same way you'd end a relationship: act like a total a**hole until they quit in disgust. (No unemployment benefits for the quitter!)
- Hold mid-term elections!
- "Thanks for coming in until 1:00 a.m. last night. We're giving you the next 20 years to recover."
The Top Scientific Laws of Movies
- Uzis can shoot 600 bullets in a minute, yet will miss any running humans.
- The mass of a person drops sustantially during a free fall, making it easy to grab onto a ledge or bar.
- Bond's Third Law: For every hero there is an unequal and poorly trained number of evil henchmen.
- D=T/t, where D is the degree of time dilation, T is the dramatic tension, and t is the time remaining before the bomb explodes.
- If anyone shoots a gun at a car, the car must explode in a fiery rage.
- Supporting characters can contract a disease via any vector, show symptoms in half a day, and die from the malady at any time convenient to the director.
- The speed of a fireball can never exceed the speed of a human running.
- Heroes are only non-bullet-proof on the upper arm.
- There is no gravity in China.
The Top Signs Your Personal Trainer Is Losing It
- Answers every question with "Let's just see what Richard Simmons says about that."
- Instructs you to build arm strength by holding up the entire Senate. (Jim Bunning only)
- She starts your workouts by growling, "I am the Thighmaster! Are you the Weightkeeper?"
- Makes the treadmill running "more realistic" by miming passing scenery.
- Recommends only working out one arm so the other side can still look dainty in a sleeveless gown in case you'd like to accompany him to the cross-dressers' ball.
- Says to have rock-hard abs, you need to do at least 100 Nestle Crunches per day.
- Insists that the medicine ball is to be taken internally.
- First day of training he stands with a large melon-baller and guarantees you'll lose 35 pounds "one way or the other."
- Keeps your heart rate up by firing live ammo at your children.
- "Enough Groucho eyebrow lifts! Now let's do some Cheney sneers."
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