A guy and his girlfriend decide to have sex. The guy has to share a bunk-bed with his little brother, who was already asleep on the bottom. The couple gets on the top bunk and they get naked. She then wispers to him "We need codenames for positions. If you want to get on top say lettuce, and to get on the bottom say tomato." He agrees so they start having sex. They frequently said "LETTUCE! TOMATO!" They were startled to hear the guy's little brother say "Will you guys stop making sandwhiches up there? You getting mayonnaise all over me!"
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A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch.
Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."