JOTD

Pianist with Tourette''s syndrome ( johnurquhart) 25/05/2005, 9:28
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around
the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the
window ''Pianist wanted for evening performances''.

''Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!'' he says to himself and goes to
the bar. ''Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs **it middle class
w*nkhole please you c*nt'', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. ''Can I help you
sir?'' he says ''Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy
advert
in the c*nting window and I''m here to audition.....w*nker.'' The manager
is
naturally put off by the man''s abrasive manner but his dire need for a
top
class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune he
Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
utterly
melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, ''Wonderful, wonderful.
What
was that called?'' ''That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I

just j*zzed in your daughter''s eye, and now the c*nts blind...''

''Oh'' says the manager ''err, can you play me another. Something a little

less "lively". ''W*nker..'' interjects the pianist before launching into
a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his
salty teardrops asks him the title.

''That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the
sh*t
box you get cr*p on your bell end.'' I see'' says the manager, ''Have you
got
any songs with less offensive titles?'' ''Well there''s my jazz number "Do

you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there''s the epic "I don''t care
if
you''re older my dear, you''ve still got nice jugs". ''Look'' says the
manager
interrupting, I think you''re a superb pianist but the title of your
songs
are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not
introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'' ''F*ck it'' says the
pianist
''Why not''. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd
are
lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.


The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there
is a
gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts
a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he

decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck

he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back
to
the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar
relaxing
when the blonde
approaches him.''Hi'' she says. ''Hello'' he winces, struggling to hold in
the

expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, ''Do you know your
c*ck
is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto
your shoes?''




''Know it?'' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

I f*cking wrote it!!!''