ad_nauseam's Journal

12:23pm: ak dies, KAAAA es tevi gribu noskupstit. viss, viss var saiet griistee. BET es shitaaaa neesmu jutusies loti, loti ilgi. maybe never, es neatceros. es pat nezinu, kas man tevii patiik. you are not my type, i thought. BET es vienkarsi nojugshos, ja es tevi shodien nenoskupstishu.
un zini, kas ir pats labakais? ka tas nemaz nav par tevi :)

1:12pm: sievietei, man liekas, vispar ir loti gruti abstraheties no taa, kaa vina izskatas. gan tad, kad mizo kartupelus, gan tad, kad slauka punkus, raudot pie vecasmammas kapa, gan - jaa, JO IPASHI, milejoties. citreiz liekas, ka visa sievietes butiba balstas uz sho vertejosho skatienu no malas. viss viens, vai tas skatiens ir citu vai pashas.
es gribetu but tada objektivi skaista sieviete - lielakoties tapec, lai man NEbutu par to vislaik jadoma. lai es varetu uzvilkt dajebkadu kankaru un neuztraukties par to, ka tas varetu izcelt slepjamo. lai es varetu mileties un nedomat par kaut kadiem izdevigiem vai mazak izdevigiem lenkiem. jo man nebutu it neka slepjama.

3:24am: brick in the wall
you know, sometimes it actually helps to keep in mind that we're all..yes, exactly, just some random bricks in a huge fucking wall. the feeling of unimportance - that's what saves my sanity when my problems, concerns etc. seem larger than life. cuz they aren't.

3:10pm: nevar tomer nomierinaties. nu bet kapec es biju tik nepieklajigi strupa, kad tevs zvanija? es vienmer tada esmu. tieshi ar vinju. ar brali tik traki ne. nezinu, vinsh manii vienmer izraisa kaut kadu...sashutumu, jaa. a par ko sashust? praktiski jau ne par ko. visu muzhu suuri, smagi stradajis, lai uzturetu gimeni. bija kopaa tad, kad vajadzeja. maati mileja. jaa, tik maate vinu nee. to, luk, laikam mana nekontrolejama zemapzina ari nespej piedot. kaa arii to, ka es to zinu. zinu pilnigi noteikti. un shis ir kaut kas, par ko man loti loti nepatik domat un par ko es vienkarshi nemaku nedomat, kad man ar vinu jaruna. un tas ir viens no iemesliem, kapec izvairos iet sedet uz terapeita solinja, jo tur tak neizbegami bus jaruna TIESHI PAR SHITO. a es negribu. es labprat aizietu un runatu par visam tam pedejo gadu huinjaam - ar piebildi "tikai dakter, ludzu, nerunasim par GIMENI. tikai, ludzu, nelieciet man tagad iet un kaut kada maksliga veida meginat SATUVINATIES ar teevu vai, vel trakak, kaut ko nebut PARRUNAT ar abiem palikushajiem gimenes locekliem. because talking is NOT what we do. never ever."
bet isteniba man butu jastrada.
lai gan vispar gribu panemt atvalinajumu uz tam aukstajam dienam. varetu beidzot sakartot (ne) savu dzivokli. svetdien sashkiroju apavus un metelus. palika labak, tapec labprat tada gara turpinatu.

1:52pm: jaa, laikam svarigakais mana turpmakaja dzive in ženeraļ bus iemacities sadzivot ar skumjam. vislaik gaidiju, kad tas maitas paries - mentali nodarbinoties, fiziski izsvistot, nu kaut vai izraudinot sevi lidz nemanai reizi par visam reizem - bet taa mistiska "reize" ka nenak, ta nenak. sajusma neesmu, jo nekas ta pa istam vairs nepriece, bet laikam bus jasak meklet kadas citas iespejas, ko no ta visa izkibinat. nezinu, kaut kads miers varbut, kaut kada nosvertiba, kaut kads pofigisms? jo kaut kam tachu tur ir jabut. un ja nav, es uztaisishu.

1:50pm: nu jaa, un tad vel sanaca pargulet. ar puisi. piektdien/sestdien. taa ka nepagaja ne divi gadi kopsh tas sasoditas pedejas reizes.
gulta saluza, krievi aiz sienas as usual lamajas un piiipeeja, a es, a mees tikmer kaut ko tur nemamies.
it's a strange feeling, i have to say. nebija nekada atvieglojuma, nekaa. tikai ze juzhual awkwardness un nostradatas kajstarpes sajuta otraja diena. protams, ari neiztrukstoshais bimbis vienubrid uzvelas, tachu paldies d, to veiksmigi noversa telefona zvans. par ko bimbis? nu bet par ko gan citu, ja ne to, ka nav taas vecaas, bet nepavisam ne aizmirstaas sajuutas, ka droshvien tadas nekad vairs ar nebus un ka vispar, jopcik, dzive beigusies, kur ir mans strikis..? bet tad, jau krietnu bridi velak, atkal vienatne kaut ko rosoties pa dzivokli, atcerejos vienu citu lietu, ko mana selektiva atmina bija noslepusi kaut kur dzili dzili aizgalde - proti, toreiz, kad satiku savu milestibu, ta pirma nakts isteniba bija pavisam pavisam ņikudišnija. nu jaa, lai gan... jau ar otro reizi bija skaidrs, ka this is fucking it! raketes un fanfaras. bļin, nu vot nahren es tagad shito visu atkal saku atcereties? smacee visas shitas saldkaismigas atminas. un tad, kad iedomajos, ka vinam SO OBVIOUSLY tas viss jau sen kaa pie vienas vietas, tad vispar gribas skali reekt. nu bet kur taa dziive, milestiba, whatever, var but tik nejedzigi iekartotas? nu kapec notiek taa, ka cilveki nekad nekad nevar taa smuki unisonaa samileties, saprasties un vienkarshi but laimigi?
jaa, bet atgriezhoties pie boba marlija:
jauks vins bija. pajauns ari. lai gan man jau vispar virietis sakas tik pec kadiem 35iem. ko nu es. es tik sajutos veca un neveikla.

1:17pm: yes, i am bad. i am a bad daughter, i am a bad sister, cousin, relative, whatever. i.am.bad!! and i hate it that every time you call i just cringe and never ever feel glad about your call.

1:17pm: xxx

4:34pm: last one
i am tired. of thinking of you and of waking up and falling to sleep and going around with this pain and sadness. it's marginal in the global scheme of things, of course i know that. "i am not stupid" as you used to say. but i just can't go on like this. i guess i will never get that one explanation or that one proper good-bye from you, so i have to let it go.
2011? a whole year without you. the first one. slightly more than a year ago we were still talking on the phone and making plans for going to portugal and what not. leaving all this behind and starting a new life. and your words "if would ever do such a thing, then definitely with you". or something to that effect. i cherished those words, which in the end turned out to mean nothing. then you said you would maybe come for christmas to riga, so we could meet. and that was it. i called you in february. you didn't answer. didn't send any apologetic sms afterwards as you always, always used to do. no e-mail either. nothing. and you know, i don't even care anymore if you are with someone, married, dead or alive. (you are alive and thriving. i saw it. this summer) or if i loved you or how much you meant to me. all of that has been slowly and painfully turned into meaninglessness. because by leaving like that you took a big fat shit on everything that was beautiful and special and memorable to me. and i just have to live with it, and so i will. but one thing before i go - if i were you, i would never, ever cross my path again. because i might just tear your balls off and hang them around your neck. just saying.
happy new year!

1:25am: aha. yeah. so i've had a bottle. that's why i'm incoherent. otherwise i'm all sound and good. bless ya.

1:20am: you see, i've had all of that. but the question is HOW TO LIVE AFTER THAT. is there a love after love? i don't know. that's what i'm trying to find. yeah, but not really. because i'm not searching. i can't. when you've had that one person who gets you on ALL levels - how can you trump that?
that's a big question for 2012. etc.

11:03pm: it's almost easier to do nothing in this world because then you can't be accused of anything.
/S.Fry/

10:59pm: people are sick! nu kapec jau shodien jasak spridzinat tas petardes vai kas nu jums tur ir? biju domajusi, ka ta ir tikai Plavniekiem-Purvciemam raksturiga slimiba, bet izskatas, ka ari centra iemitnieki daudz neatpaliek. vai varbut..viesi? jaa, varbut tie ir turisti, kas tur njemaas.

1:32pm: nekad! nekad neesmu nozhelojusi to, ka kadam neesmu pietiekami sherpi atcirtusi.
vienmer! gandriz vienmer ir bijis jakozh elkonos tikai tapec, ka atkal neesmu noturejusies un bijusi nelaipna.
tas jaielago.

1:28am: yes, fuck it! i will pollute it until i run out of this filthy steam. i will walk, i will run, i will listen to music, i will read voraciously, i will talk incessantly, i will i will i will. until there's nothing left of this darkness you left me in and with.
i hate you, you little bastard. i don't forgive you. i don't wish you well. i don't wish you anything. i just want your little creepy ghost to get out of my life.

1:26am: shit. it's all shit. i want to get rid of it. whatever it takes. i want to live in spite of everything. it's strange, isn't it? it's not like i love this life, or even like it. i find little pleasure in it. only thing i am grateful for that nothing hurts. that's good. but do i have any higher hopes? not yet.

1:10am: turning tables
sadness, this perpetual friend. i am young. i am healthy. but i am so sad. i am unseen. i am no one. i have no idea how my life will turn out to be.
i loved you beyond my abilities and you just left. everyone knows, no one cares. everyone hopes i will return to what used to be. but i can't. partly because i do not really want to, i never really like THAT girl, but partly because i just can't. i just can't feign that naivity and hopefulness. and physically, i am getting older. i notice things i never did before. maybe i'm just more attentive, but most probably i'm just objectively starting to roll downhill. oh well, we're mortals, aren't we. i don't know how to deal with it really.
i do not recognize myself. physically. i do not FEEL myself. and when you - when I - can't feel, i'm figuratively dead. this body - i know i have it but i don't know what to do with it. seems worthless to perfect it. i had such hopes for it. but now i just realize that it's in vain. i will never get what i had hoped for. those were the hopes of a hopelessly naive girl, true, but still - those were the only ones i knew. i never knew any better. and i'm afraid i still don't.
life is ridiculously short. so i better figure things out. soon.

5:26pm: find the thing you love, and then excel.

5:22pm: and being with him at times feels like one long moan

3:17pm: un tik tiesam, lidz pavisam nesenam bridim - hell yeah, lidz vel kadu pusstundu atpakal - es domaju, ka man nekad vairs nebus seksualu attiecibu, JO, redz, tas musu sekss it ka bija tik loti fantastisks un ne no pasaules shiis utt. tachu patiesiba mani ir izstradajusies dzila nepatika pret da jebko ar seksu saistitu, JO tas gluzhi vienkarshi necieshami saistas ar tevi. ta ka stasts nebut nav par neparspejami skaistam atminjaam, bet pilnigi preteji - par sapem un aizvainojumu. эврика.

3:09pm: the only connection i have to sex nowadays is through porn. sometimes i watch it, with a mixture of purely animal pleasure and pure disgust. those faceless men, all grunts and cocks, i hate them. because they remind me of you. you speak the same language. to my surprise i just realized that i have a strong aversion to sex in general. because it reminds me of you. sex is you. and as long as it's true, i guess i will have to remain sexless.

9:41pm: 22-07
And nothing it was, and is. Little did i know when i wrote the previous entry that i would never see you again. What can I say? Love is a losing game, but perhaps it’s the only one worth playing.
It's strange and sad that i found this journal of mine. i didn't even know it still existed. but it does, floating in the vacuous cyberspace like an abandoned vessel.
I don’t know whether I should go on writing here.

7:41pm: so i haven't been writing in quite a while. you've come and gone. and i've come and gone. the roller-coaster has been wheeling on. with the same old outcome - nothing.

5:54pm: i am leaving this place. after whole five years i am finally moving out. or, to be honest, there should be no "finally", since the place was never bad or flawed in any way.
i've come to dislike writing because it is too obvious. whereas what i usually tend to express is so fleeting and abstract that it inevitably becomes distorted in the process. so in the end, what i write hardly ever corresponds to what i actually feel or think. and when i reread what i have written i immediately want to denounce it, as if it's not mine or not at all true. writing has simply become another failure. and i am tired of failing.
i miss your articles. i think a lot of us do. i fell in love with your stories even before i knew you.

2:28pm: What i do not understand is why it has to be so hard. What i suspect is that it really does not have to be hard, it's just that we make it so. i believe it's also childish. i have a bad feeling that it's the complications we hang on. i sometimes think we hardly have anything else to offer, to each other or to the world.