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[Sep. 3rd, 2009|10:35 am] |
It turns out that I'm not so fat after all. I tell you, it took a load off my mind when the doctor said I only *looked* fat because of my head being half the size of a regular head.
Jerry L. Embry
Every time I download my e-mail and see messages that say things like "old bitties getting nailed!" and "high school hotties getting it on," it makes me want to scream! It sucks enough that I'm not getting any, but people I don't even know sending me gloating e-mails is just way over the top!
Michelle Argabrite
The Top Military Instant Message Abbreviations
- GMASO: Got My Ass Shot Off
- S11: Sick of Sand, Sweat, Sunni & Shiia Squabbling and Snipers -- Send this Soldier Stateside Soon!
- 668/669: 668 Days Before Bush Cheney Leave; 669 Before We Do
- ROFLTFFIR: Reenlisting - Offered Fort Lewis - That's Far from Iraq, Right?
- SNIITB: Situation normal, I'm in the brig
- SP: Send Porn
- 4SRWAH2WFN: For Some Reason We Always Have to Watch Fox News
- WINNIEPOOH: What I Need Next Is Effing Plane Out of Here
- SARGE: "Surge" Already Regarded As Governmental Error
The Top Good Nicknames for Celebrities
- Glen "Not Playing With a Full" Beck
- Christian "Punched Out My Entire Family, So Who'll Post My" Bale
- Tom "I Have a Few Loose" Cruise
- Dolly "Your Pants Are Risin' If My Blouse Is" Parton
- Dominick "Stick a Fork in Me, I'm" Dunne
The Top Changes to Company Health Plans
- All blood to be drawn with recycled syringes found in Times Square.
- Organ transplants now dependent on availability of adulterous drunken traveling salesmen.
- The new plan no longer covers surgically removing your lips from the boss's derriere.
- To reduce costs, urine tests to be conducted on-line.
- Colon screenings are now scheduled during conference calls only, and are NOT allowed during board meetings.
- Insurance Claims processing department is now only issued "no" stamps.
- Office visits approved only when six employees share the symptoms.
- Sick? The CEO's mother will go to your house and make you some chicken soup.
- Prescription coverage limited exclusively to vitamin C.
- The only contraceptives covered: Abstinence, rhythm method, and video games.
- Approved in-network hospitals and clinics all located in Uganda.
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