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[Feb. 8th, 2009|11:25 am] |
It's no use being a dead horse.
The Covert Comic
I hate Mondays, especially after spending the whole weekend relaxing. And look, I can't even get my fingers to type "relapsing" correctly!
Brad Simanek
The Top Things You Never Want to Hear Your Lawyer Say, part II
- "Oh yeah, tough guy? Let's see you how tough you are without the gavel and the robe!"
- "Damn. Wanna go double or nothin'?"
- "Where do we go from here? Well, *I'm* going back to the office."
- "Well, I guess that's that. But before you go -- you'll be needing 5-10 years' worth of Amway products, right?"
- "Don't worry, my sleep disorder should have no bearing whatso...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
- "Hey, sweet thang! What've you got on under that robe?"
- "Trust me. By the time I finish my summation, every member of that jury will be thinking about my Hitler costume... *not* that $2800 you embezzled."
- "Before proceeding with my defense on the sexual harassment claim against my client, I'd like to make a motion that the court recognize juror #3's incredible rack."
- "If it please the court, I would like to present my opening comments in the form of an interpretive dance."
- "I'm afraid the only thing I can offer you at this point are some rectal stretching exercises."
The Top 9 Signs You Aren't Particularly Handy
- Everyone at Home Depot knows you by name. Likewise at the ER.
- Local fire station offers you ten callouts for the price of eight.
- LOTS of handymen hurt themselves. Just not normally at the pencil-and-calculator stage of the project.
- You're shopping for a new tool belt that will match your shoes and purse.
- You're so deeply touched by nature's elegance, as exemplified by the industrious spider's intricate yet delicate web, that you wouldn't DREAM of opening that toolbox now.
- Your problem: The bathtub drain plug is bad and the tub won't hold water. Your solution: Beavers.
- Your wife sleeps with the garbage men just to get them to come in and drag it out to the truck.
- Your little boy comes running to you, crying, and says: "My favorite toy needs to be fixed. When is Mommy coming home?"
- Your plumber stops by every night on his way home, just in case.
- You still haven't gotten those Christmas lights off the roof. Of your mouth.
- Your "picture hanging kit" includes splints and smelling salts.
- You need a plumber's help just to take a leak.
- You still think a screwdriver is for driving screws when everybody else knows it's a combination prybar/punch/hand lacerator.
- Last time you tried to change a light bulb you electrocuted your hamster.
- You travel 164 light years to destroy this stupid little planet, but all you manage to do is put circular dents in their vegetation.
- Your can opener/cat brush/husband tamer has "Craftsman" on its handle.
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