| |
[Sep. 1st, 2008|01:26 pm] |
The Top Signs You've Opened a Portal to Hell
- The Republican Convention just convened in your living room.
- Hitler just tried to sell you Girl Scout cookies.
- You keep hearing the howling of wretched souls condemned to eternal agony, and you already threw out that Michael Bolton CD.
- Stephen King's latest book is "The Hell Portal in Harry Miller's Guest Room." Your name? Harry Miller.
- You come home from work to find Hitler, Pol Pot and Leona Helmsley sitting on your sofa watching "Little Nicky."
- Satan pops into the kitchen to borrow a cup of sulfur.
- The faces of the living dead stare out of your television, but Joan Rivers was not scheduled to appear on Leno tonight.
- Your cellar is filled with hellish noise, mysterious lights and noxious fumes. And it's been years since you had your frat brothers over for a party.
- Well, you did click the Windows Vista "start" icon.
The Top Signs a Holiday Is Completely Made Up
- Check Out the Volleyball Chicks Day.
- Kwanjga: Kan't We All Not Just Get Along?
- The notification for "Text Your Favorite Stalking Victim Hundreds of Times Day" comes from your cellular provider.
- Tradition dictates that it's celebrated on the fifth Sunday in February.
- You didn't even know there *was* a Saint Shecky.
- You're hard pressed to find any ethnic group protesting against it.
- You're celebrating Freedom Day. You're in Zimbabwe.
- Americans just aren't polite enough to deserve a You'rewelcomesgiving.
- This time the flaming pile of dog-doo on your doorstep comes with a lit sparkler.
- "St. Topless Day" isn't fooling anyone.
- When you call the folks at Hallmark to order a gross of "Wastewater Plant Operator Appreciation Day" cards, they act like they haven't heard of it before.
- The holiday's animal mascot is your mom.
The Top Least Popular Health and Beauty Books
- For the Love of All Mankind, by Mel Gibson
- Inner Beauty Is Just a Lot of Crap, by Courtney Love
- Conservative Clothing and Ladylike Ettiquite, by Britney Spears
- The Fountain of Youth, Paleness and Bubbles, by Michael Jackson
- How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Don Imus
- Cut Your Own Hair and Save Money, by Britney Spears
- Taking off Pounds, Then Putting Them On, by Oprah
- Look Great at 40! by Keith Richards
The Top Events in the Olympic War Games
- Hummer Throw
- Javelin Intercepting (surface-to-air and air-to-air events)
- Minefield Hockey
- Peoplechase
- Geneva Convention Toss
- Target Shooting with live moving targets; last man standing wins the gold (and only) medal
- Speed Surrendering Obstacle Course (pretty much *owned* by France)
- SEAL Team Handball
- Deck Quadrathlon: Sweep, Swab, Wax and Buff
- Poland Vaulting (German and Russian competitors only)
- Uneven 38th Parallel Bars
- Synchronized Saluting
- Not Asking, Not Telling Biathlon
No TopFive.com |
|
|
