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[Mar. 23rd, 2008|02:38 pm] |
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes, nocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn`t home.
" Well," the woman said, " could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked," May I know where your wife is?"
" She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming?"
"I don`t really know," he said. "She`s been there eleven years now."
Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, "Why did you do that??"
The trooper responds, "You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!"
"I apologize sir, I'm not from around here."
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
"What was that for?" asked the passenger.
"I know your kind," says the trooper, "About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'"
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager.
The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum:
"1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplicative, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given proper attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony."
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
"She flirt with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side." |
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