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[Jan. 22nd, 2011|03:15 pm] |
The Top Signs You Spend Way Too Much Time on Facebook
- Mark Zuckerberg just called to suggest you go out for some air, otherwise they'll have to start charging you by the hour.
- You teach courses in Farmville at Texas A&M.
- You haven't had any friend requests in over a month because you're already friends with EVERYBODY.
- You interrupt with "I know, I read it on your Facebook page" to every story anyone tries to tell you. Even people you don't know.
- When arrested for spraying graffiti, your excuse is that you were updating your wall status.
- Your wife had to launch an app called "What Do You Want for Dinner Tonight, Honey?"
- During an intimate session with your husband, you mistake his penis for the "Like" button.
The Top Signs You're at a Bad Circus
- When you laugh at a clown, he goes all Joe Pesci on you.
- The "Man Shot from a Canon!" is just some guy getting his picture taken.
- The elephant's name is "Tramples."
- Nobody at all in the little car, but a dozen clowns emerge from the elephant's backside.
- Acrobat keeps trying to install updates.
Hydrogen peroxide was found to be the signal that attracts white blood cells to an injury.
The Top Chemicals with Biological Functions
- Lye: Inhibits honest behavior.
- Furfural: Controls hairiness.
- Copper: Alerts your brain to the presence of police.
- Bromide: Makes people drowsy. *Other* people.
- Vitamin C: Improves eye function.
- Warfarin: Aggression.
- Acetone: Governs shapely butt development.
- Helium: Encourages tissue repair.
- Titanium: Augments breast development.
The Top Poor Responses to the Question "Are You Seeing Someone Else?"
- "Seeing her? Hell, I'm banging her like a tambourine!"
- "Actually I don't see much, thanks to the zippered latex mask Mistress Angelique makes me wear."
- "Yes, but only because she's younger and thinner than you."
- "Baby, I try my damndest to see someone else every time you and I have sex."
- "No!! You see, *that's* the beauty of the glory hole!"
The Top Rejected Car Names
- Chevy Splodesonimpact
- Dodge Vindow Viper
- SAAB Storrie
- Jag-u-ar Pretencia
- Tucker Carlson
- Alpha Roflmao
- Infiniti Andbeyond!
- Audi Duty
- Porsche PP Xtension
- Ford Fuctus
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