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[Aug. 25th, 2010|07:59 am] |
As a high school teacher, I always try to boost the self-esteem of teenage girls. For example: I started using an alternate scoring system based on bra cup size.
As I got older, I thought my balding head would at least make me look more mature. But no! It's just another 30 square inches of zit farm.
Upon opening the carton, I'd barely savored one bite of ice cream before I was whacked with a mallet, thumped on the head with a hideaway ironing board and had an anvil dropped on my foot. This will be the first and last time I buy Tom and Jerry's.
I sure hope that sheep that provided the organ for my transplant was a Republican, because I'd hate to be known as a bleating heart liberal.
The key to success in my career was reading the book "How to Work With Difficult People." It was then I learned that what I needed in order to get ahead in life was to be as difficult a person as possible.
Since I was born with only four fingers, I'd like to marry someone else who has the same number of fingers as I do. I mean, besides a drunk carpenter or a kid with a buzz saw.
The Top Spells Harry Potter Would Use If He Were a Lawyer
- Overruled Objectionius Reversium
- Ramblingus Witness Silencium
- Cross-Examinatium Truncanius
- Time-travel spell to fix that little problem with the missed filing deadline
- Scalius Non-Dissentus
An atomic force microscope has been used as a microphone to hear sounds inside insects.
The Top Uses of Atomic Force Stethoscopes
- Listen for conception, to have an instant, 100% reliable pregnancy test.
- Now we can actually hear paint dry.
- To hear if Schrodinger's Cat is alive or dead.
- The Grinch can finally get his yearly physical.
- When the ant farm breaks up into home and away teams, how else will we hear the vuvuzelas?
The Top Ways the PC Would Be Different If It Was Invented Today
- Each model would be designed by a different celebrity.
- "640 gigabytes of memory ought to be enough for anybody."
- Big Iron vendors IBM and DEC lobby to have them banned under the DMCA as "tools of hackers and terrorists."
- Apple wouldn't exist, because the bank already would have foreclosed on the Jobs' garage.
- Folks finally have a way to get all those digital photos off their cameras.
- We would have gone to the moon with nothing but pulleys, levers, and an abacus the size of a Hummer.
- "It's not beige, it's 'Autumn Oatmeal.'"
- One word: iPC.
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