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[Jan. 27th, 2010|08:00 am] |
I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man with only one leg at an ass-kicking contest.
I always thought I wanted a glamorous, powerful career. It turns out I was wrong -- I only wanted the salary.
The Top *Good* Things About Full-Body Scanners
- "See, Honey, I told you it's not the dress that makes you look fat."
- Number one privacy fear -- the date of your last underwear change -- remains none of the government's goddam business.
- Complimentary wigs for frequent fliers!
- Easy to search for lost children in Michelle Duggar's vaginal canal.
- "Ew! ... Ugh! ... Blechhh!! Ohmygawd, I NEVER want to see another naked body as long as I live!"
"Mr. Woods, you are cured! Senator Edwards, you're next."
The Top Features of the Apple Tablet
- Comes in both Black and Grey Turtleneck.
- New killer app has already done your tax returns through 2015 -- in 3D.
- Its overpowering coolness triggers a new ice age.
- Shakira will perform in ads, espousing the wonders of constant touching.
- Every time you boot it, Steve Ballmer gets a small electric shock.
- Uses the latest in 3D technology to give the appearance that it actually exists.
- Holding the tablet in front of your face and running the "Fairest One of All" app displays an image of Steve Jobs.
- The first order will be personally delivered by a guy named Moses.
The Top Lawyer-Themed Romantic Comedies
- Bridget Jones's Deposition
- Briefless in Seattle
- Four Mediations and a Settlement
- How To Lose a Case in 10 Days
- I Do Not Recall Sarah Marshall
- My Best Friend's Nasty Divorce
- When Harry Sued Sally
- The 40-Year-Old Verdict
- Zack and Miri Make an Oral Argument
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