Chapter 1
The introduction of the feeling

Everyone was gone. Everything that had happened was just too good to actually be good. And nothing was what it seemed.. The truth struck me today. It seems though as if some unnatural force had erased parts of my memory. Maybe it’s for the best since it wouldn’t be very pleasant if I remembered it. I opened another beer and took out another cigarette. I was doing this all for just one purpose – to forget. To forget everything that has happened so it would not bother my mind anymore. To erase these few years from my memory, leaving only some parts of it. To finally have some rest of this feeling which has been in my head all these years. The feeling cannot be described. It is like fear, but worse. Fear in a very unpleasant way. One thing I know is that the feeling is alive. I can feel it breathing inside me and eating my emotions. It feeds on my emotions, but instead of destroying them, it makes them even stronger. When it has had enough food, it goes into an inactive state much like hibernation, only to be awakened again soon. It seems that it can be put to sleep with alcohol, but it will wake up again the next day, if not sooner.
I drank some more beer and lit another cigarette. I could feel the emotion getting sleepy. I had once again lost almost everything worth living.. This feeling could only be stopped by other emotions, or as people say, you must fight fire with fire. I have had almost destroyed the feeling, but it seems as if it cannot be killed. Once the good emotions are lost, it rises again with the same strength as before. If I had the choice, I would not kill it, but rather have a strong emotion with me for all my life. It is such a pleasure to feel the feeling being hurt and not being able to do anything. But I knew I had to fight it. I lied in my chair, drank some beer and tried to blend myself and my emotions with the music.