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[Sep. 11th, 2010|12:34 pm] |
I laugh in the face of Death. Well, actually, it's more like I giggle when he's got his back turned.
I'd never make it as a vampire. Sure, I love staying up all night and sleeping all day, but I wouldn't be able to give up my garlic fries.
I don't think money is the root of all evil. My ex may be evil, but I'm pretty sure she's breaking in and shaving my cat just for kicks.
My research aimed to combine the 11 dimensions of current string theory with the 29 compatibility dimensions of eHarmony into a new theory of evolutionary human sexuality. Or it *would* have if the MacArthur Foundation hadn't withdrawn support of my research grant after I included various brothels on the list of required lab facilities.
We live in a dangerous world, and I guess we all will have to adjust to the idea of giving up some freedoms and dealing with a heightened level of security. Well, at least according to that Dunkin' Donuts cashier who strip-searched my wife this morning, we do.
The Top Signs Your Drone Has Gone Rogue
- It keeps signing off as "D. B. Cooper."
- It's somehow acquired a payload of lipstick and bulldog poop.
- Its console alert tone has been changed to "Don't Fear the Reaper."
- It leaves its post and starts hitting on ICBMs.
- It asks for the location of Sarah Connor.
- It responds to all commands with "You betcha."
- It pledges its allegiance to the Borg Queen.
- It answers every command you give it with, "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
- It's all painted up pink and red. Oh, wait a minute. That's a sign that your drone has gone rouge. Never mind.
It's done just fine, thank you, but executives at New Line once discussed changing the title of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" in deference to the 9/11 tragedy.
The Top Alternate Titles for Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers"
- Lord of the Rings II: The Whiny, Oversensitive Public
- Lord of the Rings: The Greater Than One but Less Than Three Tall Stone Structures That Aren't Even Located Anywhere Near New York and Were Written About a Long Time Ago So Get Over It Already
- LOTR 2: Just Buy the Ticket, Fanboy
- Lord of the Rings vs. Harry Potter, Round Two
- Lord of the Rings: The Sagging Middle
- Battlefield Middle Earth
- My Big Fat Hobbit Wedding
- Lord of the Rings: Frodo & Sam's Excellent Adventure
- Lord of the Rings: Dude, Look, Liv Tyler!
The Top Reasons Banjos Are Better Than Automatic Weapons
- A banjo will repel gangstas just as well as an automatic weapon, but without any jail time.
- You can't play "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" on an Uzi.
- If you're paddling down a remote river and hear a automatic weapon, it could be anybody. If you hear a banjo, you *know* you better be paddling faster.
- With an automatic weapon all you can do is shoot someone. With a banjo you can garotte them, club them *AND* entertain them.
- Because a dozen TSA agents won't throw down on you for carrying a banjo into an airport. Except maybe in Philly.
- Neither one will actually save you when your chute fails to open, but the banjo will make your last 45 seconds kinda fun.
- "Say hello to my little friend!" makes everyone laugh. "Squeal like a pig!" makes guys shit themselves every time.
The Top Haikus About Camping
Hubby is amazed
That after going swimming
There is much shrinkage
Yippee! Joy! Camping!
With bugs, rain, mud, snakes, vermin
Fun, like chewing glass
Every husband asks
Does my wife crap in the woods?
Camp to seek answer
Nature's cruelty:
Rise to frosty dawn, and find
Bears ate my Twinkies
Boots, water, map, snacks
Hiking to the mountain top
Oh crap, no t.p.
Couple in the wild
After much in-tents humping
He offers her s'mores.
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