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[Jun. 18th, 2010|07:48 am] |
If they take away the right to say "f**k," how long before they take away the right to say "f##k"?
How do I know I'm older and wiser? I used to skip school to watch MTV. Now I just skip MTV.
Women are like diamonds: The ones you see on TV are always nicer than the ones you can actually afford.
The resume I sent to get a job as a seat filler at the Oscars included the following "previous experience": "Sat on my ass and watched the Oscars, 1987-1998," "See attached photo of couch with permanent indent of my ass," and "I regularly stalk celebrities and can sense when they need a bathroom break."
Everyone in my family shies away from playing board games. They claim I'm too competitive. Screw 'em if they can't handle being booyah'd and mooned every time I make a point.
The Top Marketing Slogans for Superheroes
- Aquaman: More than just talking to fish... oh, hell, who are we kidding?
- The Dark Knight: Now 20% Less Dark and 40% More Knight!
- Flash: He's wherever you want to be.
- Iron Man: Now running on E85 for a cleaner environment.
- Thor: Bringing back that old-time religion.
- Superheroes: Watching your every move with their satellites, moon-bases, and x-ray vision... but in a good way.
- Wolverine: Just Do It. (Seriously, he'll hurt you if you don't.)
- My hero has a first name
It's B-R-U-C-E.
My hero has a second name
-– It's a secret identity!
- Mr. Terrific: Because "Mr. Gee Whiz, What a Great, Trustworthy Guy Who Is Always Looking Out For You and Me" was too long to print on his sleeve.
The Top Things to Do Before Leaving for Vacation
- Wrap entire house in duct tape. That'll keep the burglars out and the cat in.
- Change recording in alarm system from "Dogs Barking Jingle Bells" to "Dogs Barking the Star Spangled Banner."
- Post sign on company refrigerator offering amnesty for all stolen food for next 2 weeks.
- Sell remaining stolen office supplies on eBay to pay for new pair of Speedos.
- Replace light bulbs in every room with colored party bulbs, set every light on a different timer so they blink rapidly and randomly. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. (Bye neighbors! See you in two weeks!)
- Clear your browser history.
Forty-two percent of Japanese children polled think the sun revolves around the earth, among other celestial misconceptions.
The Top Scientific Misconceptions Children Have
- God created the earth by knocking Ymir the Frost Giant into itty-bitty pieces. (homeschooled Minnesotans only)
- Because entropy increases over time, cleaning your room is pretty useless.
- Isaac Newton invented gravity, as well as a really tasty cookie.
- Lasers blow up anything. Bullets just give people medium owies.
- The stars turn themselves off in the morning to save electricity.
- While money does not grow on trees, it does grow in ATM machines.
- The universe revolves around ME!!
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