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[Jun. 12th, 2010|12:08 pm] |
Mom taught me I should always have on clean underwear in case I'm in an accident. Experience taught me they should always be MEN'S underwear.
Don't burn your bridges; instead, blow them up. It will look so much cooler if they ever make a movie about your life.
The Top Differences Between Working at McDonald's and Working at Microsoft
- McDonald's: Runs a promotional game based on Monopoly.
Microsoft: Runs a monopoly.
- One is only interested in getting product to the customer quickly without regard to quality. The other sells burgers.
- McDonald's: Employs many 16-year-old female virgins.
Microsoft: Employs many 31-year-old male virgins.
- Products of Microsoft employees expedite delivery of computer viruses; at McDonald's, they stick to biological viruses.
- You take pride that the best-selling product at Microsoft has a higher nutritional value.
- McDonald's: "Do you want to super-size for an extra 59 cents?"
Microsoft: "Upgrade now for $129 or your software will stop working."
- After three years full-time with your burger buddies, how much are your stock options worth, fry boy?
- Microsoft: Blue Screen of Death.
McDonald's: Blank Face of Teen Apathy.
- McDonald's customers won't put up with bugs in their product.
The Top Ways to Treat a Leaking Underwater Oil Well
- Feed Mother Earth 50 tons of cheese. Not only will the leak stop, but we'll make big bucks when she shows up at a pharmacy three days later begging to buy 20 tons of laxative.
- Hook it up to a single Hummer. Okay, two Hummers.
- Just ask that loud guy at the bar that knows everything about fixing all the other problems. He's bound to know.
- Plug it with all of Cheney's Halliburton stock certificates.
- Figure out how to make a profit on it.
- First send lots of vinegar to New Orleans, then announce a big sale on salad dressing.
- Use all the plastic floating around the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, and you kill two birds with one stone. Or save two million birds with one trash-mountain.
- Use Halliburton-brand tampons.
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