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[May. 14th, 2010|08:21 am] |
I really enjoy living the single life, but my alter ego thinks I should get married.
Most of my conversations with elephants end up being truncated.
I'm very good at detecting variation in my bicycle's crank mechanism. Yet people back away when I tell them about my skilled pedalfeelia.
The Top Pickup Lines Used by Firefighters
- "You can't spell 'superficial epidermal burn' without U and I."
- "I'm pretty good up front, but what I really like is driving from behind."
- "You're so fine, I think I just extinguished myself."
- "You're blazing like a multi-alarm fire -- I might have to send in my entire unit."
- "It doesn't have to be stuck in a tree; you can call me anytime your little pussy needs my help."
The Top Challenges with Women Serving on Submarines
- Seat on one of two heads on board will have to be welded down.
- Tight quarters + PMS: You do the math.
- Way too much "up periscope," if you know what I mean.
- Floral-print curtains over every hatch.
- Oil containment skirts make the stern look fat, rather than the bow.
- Two words: Menstrual synchronization.
- When they break the glass ceiling, everybody drowns.
- It's bad enough being confined for a long period. It's even worse to be confined for a long period with people having a- long period.
- Every time you give an order, you get a chorus of irritated sighs unless you include the word "please" at the end.
The Top Not-So-Successful Beauty Pageant Themes
- Miss Future Crazy Cat Lady
- Little Miss Stepford
- Little Miss Most Likely to Bring Down a Powerful Politician in a Sex Scandal Someday
- Little Miss Loudest Twilight Fan
- Little Miss Subdued Earth Tones
- Mr. Unibrow
- Little Miss Golddigger-to-Be
- Miss Even If You Win Your Parents Will Never Really Love You
- Miss Aroma-of-Ham
The Top Signs the Job Market Is Improving
- Teenagers now have a chance at getting coveted McDonalds position.
- The sidewalk near your office smells slightly less like the urine of homeless people than it did last week.
- Not only are you finally off the unemployment rolls, your new job pays the same as your old job. Actually, make that "new *jobs*."
- Now that your neighbor got three new part-time jobs, *you* got a job babysitting her kids.
- Ten out-of-work balloon wranglers from the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade have been hired to tether Heidi Montag.
- The line at the unemployment office now only goes once around the block.
The Top Signs It's Time to Change Careers
- Your picture was in the Oscars' montage of actors the Academy *wishes* had died.
- Your idea to re-brand Toyota as "Luxury driving -- at the speed of flight!"
- After hearing a confession, you shout, "That's the best you've got, Nancy? Come back when you kill somebody!"
- "Welcome to Wal-Mart. Here's your damn sticker, you soul-sucking Hell-spawn."
- "This is tech support. Just shut up and reboot."
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