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[Apr. 23rd, 2010|08:48 am] |
When you want to end a particularly annoying sales call, try yelling, "Do you realize it's THREE in the morning here?!" It doesn't work as well though, if you're the one who placed the call.
Not that I'm complaining, but I think the sales lady at the furniture store misunderstood when I told her I wanted one nightstand.
Mark my words: One day I'll hold the record for most unsuccessful suicide attempts, or I'll die trying.
Watching "The Usual Suspects" this evening, I was struck by how odd it is that everyone I know was so surprised by the ending. I knew who Keyser Soze was almost from the beginning -- though that wasn't the case the first few times I saw the movie.
Computers in companies, hospitals and schools all over the world got stuck in a rebooting cycle yesterday after the popular McAfee antivirus program identified a normal Windows file as a virus. D'OH!
The Top McAfee Excuses
- "Our programmers tell us the floor mats are causing the accelerators to stick."
- "There *is* no error. That's our new McAfee: Zero-Productivity Groundhog Day Edition!"
- "It was the Preciousss! The Precioussssss made us do it!"
- "Like, it's going to kill you to use an abacus for one lousy day?"
- According to McAfee Director of Marketing Vinnie "The Vector" Tapella, "With our $39.95 monthly protection plan, you can ensure such 'accidents' won't happen again."
- "Hey at least we didn't wipe all your porn, man."
- "Gotcha! LOL!! If we had done it on April 1, it would have been too obvious."
- "Calm down, everyone. It's merely a promotional tie in with our new slogan, 'McAfee: Here's to F***ing Up Your Workday!"
- "We got the virus information from a reliable source: A e-mail the CEO's grandma forwarded to everyone in her address book."
- "Our tech staff was still recovering from 4/20, dude."
- "Hey, the BEST way to prevent a virus is by preventing a successful boot-up."
- "It was MEANT to be an assassination attempt on that f**king Office paper clip assistant."
- "Those Tea Party folks told us it was the only way to save America from the Tyranny of the Nazi-Muslim Obama Administration."
- "It was a simple matter of priorities. It was either double-check the update or tend to our crops on FarmVille."
- "Look, the difference between 'virus' and 'Microsoft Windows' is really splitting hairs."
- "We felt our servers' processing time was better utilized auto-dialing 'Dancing With the Stars' to keep Kate Gosselin safe."
- "We'll have an answer for you as soon as we find our new Windows Division head engineer, Lisa Jobs."
Less than two weeks ago, a Polish Air Force Tupolev Tu-154M aircraft crashed on a mission to commemorate the victims of the Katyn Massacre, while transporting President Kaczynski, the chief of the Polish General Staff, and 94 other VIPs (Very Important Poles.) We're about to tell you why.
The Top Explanations for the Polish Air Force Crash
- A priest, a general and a politician walk onto an airplane without a punchline...
- Black box tapes bear the voices of Ted Striker and Rex Kramer.
- Face it, even death is preferable to diverting to Minsk.
- Ice on the runway. (In other news, Vanilla Ice has been declared dead after being struck by a Polish Air Force plane.)
- Pilot spent night before partying with Northwest Airlines crew.
- Pilot was trying for an instrument landing, but couldn't get his harmonica out of his pocket.
- Putin shootin'.
- Crew members were all busy changing a light bulb in the cabin.
- Drunken Russian pilot tried to tell drunken Polish co-pilot an Aggie joke. Both laughed all the way down.
- One of the suitcases weighed 52 pounds.
- Soviet Air Defense Alumni Association was celebrating Francis Gary Powers Day.
- Chechen terrorists were playing polka music on the 121.5 MHz international distress channel.
- Not the pilot's fault. He hit the "flaps" switch, but the wings still didn't flap.
The Top Health Benefits to Spending the Day Smoking Pot
- Anorexics spend the day eating Doritos and put on a few pounds.
- Sitting around saying "Duuuuuude!" all day stretches facial muscles.
- Road rage incidents have drops to almost zero. Then again, that's about what the average traffic speed drops to, also.
- You learn some pretty awesome shit watching Dr. Oz, man.
- "Munchies" cause a reduction in the intake of "bad" cholesterol from meats.
- Helps cure you of that pesky job. And no job means no job stress!
- Easier on the liver than spending the day drinking.
- I have absolutely no idea, officer. None at all.
Chrysler and NASA are joining forces to develop new technology they say could lead to better cars and rocket ships.
The Top Features of a Detroit/NASA-Designed Vehicle
- Since Toyota's not involved, there's no uncontrollable jumping to lightspeed.
- At every stop, you have to get out and re-stuff those damned parachutes into the trunk.
- Passenger-side poop bags.
- Pre-installed bumper sticker: "My Other Car Is the F**king Space Shuttle, Beyotch!"
- Specially-designed heated seats help keep Uranus warm.
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