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Thursday, July 5th, 2007
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9:03a
My love,
...still you are my love. Yesterday i talked with you in my mind about situation, what we have now. After doing that i felt so free. But today - it again starts...pain in my heart from early morning - not only emotionally, but also physically. Unfortunately, these worries about you, thoughts and uncried tears made it as itselves - my heart reminds its presence each day - i feel pain in chest. Some time before you have worried about my health and you cared for me and asked me to take care about myself - now i have no interest about doing that. Yesterday i felt, that i want to harm myself in some way - for replacing pain about your leaving by another kind of pain. Of course, i am too weak to do anything against myself. Yesterday I repeated sweet name, which you liked, when we were together...I have strange feeling, that everything will be ok. My sis said, if you will return, you will need very good explanation for being away and making me feel like this. I am not sure, will you return, because i have called you and you didn't want even to talk with me by picking up phone.
So, what should i think? But - in logical way your behaving now doesn't match with your behaving all these 8 monthes. Yes, we had problems, but not like this. I can't believe, that you as a responsible and polite person can leave me like this without saying anything. Especially, in last day you were saying same sweet words, maybe you've pretended, that you feel same as before. Lot of thoughts in my mind and so opposite...
I think, that before going on in pilgrimage, i will call you or maybe i will send some mail. I want to clear situation.
If you think, that in anger i will forget you, will stop love you and will start to hate you, you are terribly wrong. Lesson number one - from love to hate is one step, but it doesn't mean, that love stops to exist.
I still love you.
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