hipsters

The Hard Times

Mon, 22 Nov 2021 09:08:31 GMT

We Sat Down With the Last Guy Who Still Calls People “Hipsters”

BY JOHN DANEK | SEPTEMBER 26, 2021

The early 2010s were a much simpler time. People didn’t eat and breathe divisive politics, guitars could be found in mainstream music, and “Jersey Shore” had just kicked off the golden age of anti-heroes. But if the pleasures of mainstream culture weren’t enough for you, you often were the brunt of the decade’s favorite insult: “hipster.”

Today, hipsterdom has diffused itself into most aspects of modern life. Suburban moms order matcha and St. Vincent is an answer on “Jeopardy!” In modern times the word itself, much like the deeply ironic creature it’s used to describe, has become utterly obsolete.

But not to Derek Mallard, a 34-year-old forklift operator in Butte, Montana. He is still convinced hipsters exist, can be identified, and should be mocked. We sat with him to get down to the bottom of his delusions.

The Hard Times: Hi Derek. As of this morning, you’ve posted on Twitter 6 times this week expressing your disgust towards “hipsters.” What is a hipster to you?

Derek Mallard: It’s these fucking annoying-ass 22-year-olds who go to Coachella every year to get high and dance to bands no one has ever heard of, then act like they’re so elite for doing so.

Did Coachella even happen last year? And the last time we checked, the previous headliners were Rage Against the Machine and Frank Ocean. Not exactly obscure acts.

Whatever. They just sit there and drink their pine needle shit IPAs that no reasonable person actually likes.

Really? Because in 2021, IPAs are the second-most popular type of drink sold after hard seltzers.

Ok, fine. But hipsters are most annoying when it comes to music. It’s all these dipshit wannabe musicians who get some offset Fender guitar and plug them into like forty rustic-looking pedals, pluck one note, and call it a song. They absolutely killed the guitar industry because no one wants to play real music anymore.

According to an interview with Fender’s CEO Andy Mooney, the guitar manufacturer had their highest selling year in 2020, even despite the pandemic. Are you sure you aren’t just being crotchety because some parts of one really annoying subculture are now mainstream?

I don’t know, man. The world is changing so fast and I can’t find my place in it. If I lose hipster bashing, I lose myself. Please don’t make me confront the cold reality of my own identity. What does it all mean? I’m so alone.

There, there. We think you’re going to be okay. …Are you crying?

Yeah but, like, ironically.

Hipster Terrorists !!!

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 10:02:14 GMT

Hipster Terrorists Taken Into Custody After Attempted Hijacking Of 70,000 Tons of Metal Cruise

By Keith Spillett

Hipster Terrorist During The Attack On The Ship

In an event that has raised international tensions between hipsters and metalheads, a crew of bearded, shaggy hipsters attempted to set hijack the 70,000 tons of metal tour boat last Friday. They were beaten severely by many of the passengers and apprehended by police at the end of the cruise. The Hipster Terrorists demanded an immediate end to “songs with cookie monster vocals” and “more songs that talk about what it’s like to feel left out.” After about 20 minutes of this, enraged metalheads, led by Tankard vocalist Andreas Geremia, stormed the terrorists, taking their weapons and curb stomping four of them.

Hipster Terrorist leader Sheik Jasper Thelonius Monk claimed, through a mouth full of broken teeth, that this was the beginning of a series of “ironic terrorist attacks”. The attack, meant to be homage to the Achille Lauro hijacking in the 1980s, failed almost immediately when the metalheads realized that the hipsters were scrawny and weak. “Between the 15 of them, they had to weigh one member of Crowbar,” said Annihilator guitarist Jeff Waters, who beat several hipsters bloody with his Epiphone Annihilation-V Flying V guitar.

The Hipsters had planned to hold the ship hostage until the cruise directors agreed to allow the Cobra Starship to play a 12-hour concert on the main deck. They also demanded the ship be taken to “some country where the art of Banksy and Spin Magazine are taken more seriously.” They implored their hostages to stop being sucked into the madness of consumer capitalism and shop at Urban Outfitters. The terrorists, who all had high powered AK-47 assault rifles and copies of recent books by Chuck Klosterman, were taken without a shot being fired.

Hipster terrorism is on the rise in America over the last few months. Other, less notable attacks, included holding MTV executives hostage until they played an hour straight of Vampire Weekend videos and forcing Venom to play an entire concert with out of tune instruments. However, CIA officials are not concerned. Veteran CIA agent John Nash stated in a recent interview that the “hipster terrorist phenomena will not last long. Once they realize other people are doing it, they’ll stop immediately and start hating terrorism. They’re not all that hard to figure out.”

Metalheads Celebrate Vanquishing The Hipster Terrorists To The Music of Death Angel

Still, this attack could cause a major problem between rival hipster and metalhead factions. Metal Secretary of Defense and Manowar bassist Joey DeMaio believes that there is war on the horizon and that The Army of True Metal will be victorious. “If you want to know what the future looks like,” said DeMaio in a press conference this morning, “imagine a boot stepping on a hipsters face over and over again while me and the boys play “The Gods Made Heavy Metal”.

Throw it on the Ground:@

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 16:41:51 GMT

The Gentleman's Rant

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 06:08:38 GMT

You're a hipster, not a hippy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=WBgJ64uZLaM#!

Evolution of the hipsters

Tue, 09 Aug 2011 07:29:32 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbTI7eWaQbk

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 10:39:11 GMT

Vienīgi urlu varētu būt mazāk

Un vispār

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 10:38:19 GMT

Tie, kas apdirš Pozitivus, paši tur nekad nav bijuši

++

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 10:35:10 GMT

Tiekamies Salacgrīvā!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 08:12:55 GMT

Kas ir grab.lv? Varbūt jādodas meklēt draugus tur

Anti-Hipster

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 08:08:14 GMT

Anti-Hipster
(urban dictionary)

"Hey steve, want to eat there?"
"No way, it's filled with hipsters."
"Except for that one guy."
"The Anti-Hipster."
"Yeah, he has no idea what's going on."
"Sucks to be him."

Tue, 12 Jul 2011 08:00:07 GMT

affair arī gribētu būt hipsters, bet domā, ka ir pārāk vecs, resns un pašironisks
</span>http://klab.lv/users/affair/1571883.html

http://klutparhipsteru.wordpress.com

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 14:07:04 GMT

http://klutparhipsteru.wordpress.com/

Fri, 20 May 2011 21:29:08 GMT

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 22:34:57 GMT

Iesakiet kaut ko labu no post-roka

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 20:37:47 GMT

Kas es esmu un priekš kam?

Mon, 28 Mar 2011 20:13:17 GMT

sūds (c) anonymos

Mon, 28 Mar 2011 20:11:46 GMT

Ziniet, man jau patiesībā nav nekādas koncepcijas.

Sat, 26 Mar 2011 18:42:17 GMT

Izdomāju ka piedraugošu ne tikai hipsterus, bet visus, aks raksta par hipsteriem, jo es nesaprotu kas es esmu un priekš kam

lol

Sat, 26 Mar 2011 18:37:53 GMT

http://hipsterhunter.com/CLASSIFICATIONS___I.html

tukši un tendenciozi, bet

Sat, 26 Mar 2011 18:36:25 GMT

Iepriecina Thom Yorke sadarbība ar Burial un Four Tet

Vērtības

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 14:51:02 GMT

Noplucis outfits un noliedzoša izturība pret vērtībām. vai tas ir tas kas mani raksturo?

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 14:34:09 GMT

http://thenextbarstool.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/pbrhipster.jpg

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 14:32:38 GMT

Vispār sviests, es nezinu vai man to vajag. jāiziet pēc alus

Dilemma

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 14:26:26 GMT

Kā cīnīties ar hipsteri sevī?

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 14:24:02 GMT

Īstenībā jau es neesmu hipsters ;)