September 26th, 2011

• intervija ar sevi
• 9/26/11 12:17 am
• What do I want?
  
  [[[]]]
  
  It feels that I know what I want, but for some reason I am very afraid of that. I know what I want, but I am not honest with myself. I am not letting it out of my mouth.
  
  I really wonder what it is. Ha, let’s try to get it out though. So, what I want..
  
  Q: Are there any issues with the work you do?
  A: Not really, I’m good at what I do. I see future in that. I know that I can reinvest money properly, to have it generate itself. So that is plan set for upcoming years.
  
  Q: So, if you are happy with the work you do, why did you send a CV today?
  A: Well, it’s not about work, is it? I for some reason want to get the hell out of here. Question, remains, though, what reason it is. So, keep asking, see if I can get it said.
  
  Q: Okay, so, you want to get out of here. But, are you escaping from somebody or something or someone?
  A: Yes, I am escaping from.. myself..
  
  Q: So, what is it about yourself that you are so afraid of that you want to escape?
  A: Well. That makes me think. I am really upset with my family life - with how things are turning out. I mean there might be a few people that I would like to be with but they just are not there for me. So, probably escaping from them as well.
  
  Q: Are those people somehow related? Maybe it’s their attitude that is similar, that makes you scared?
  A: Well, could be. I think, it’s unconditional love, which is really making me afraid. I have always run away from people emitting that. I could name a few examples, but words are not that important.
  
  Q: Okay, so why is it so that LOVE is so scaring you?
  A: Well, I used to have the unconditional love from my Mother, and she passed away. Then I felt really bad. Really. So it must be linked to that I believe. As soon as I got that feeling, it coincidentally reminds me of the inevitable loss that could be faced at some point in time.
  
  Q: Now, you did marry your wife. Did you love here? Or was that some other sort of Love?
  A: This is the trickiest question by miles. Well. I think I was in love with her, and we did have nice time together. We did lot’s of great stuff, which we both enjoyed. But, it’s just different love that she emits - the sort of love that I can take on easily, with no associations. This is awkward. This is not the other type of love, which I am looking for to escape from.
  
  Q: Now, this is getting very puzzled. So what you are saying is that you are escaping from the Love that you actually are looking for. So, put it in other words, “you are not willing to let anyone close to you any more, but you NEED it, and if you don’t get it, you feel bad… don’t you?”
  A: Dam right. I have my internal objective to void anything that could probably hurt me again likewise.
  
  Q: It means that you have picked the option to stop living, and void pain in that way?
  A: Damn right again. Well I used to smile, and cry, and have all sorts of emotions, but with two major colossal collapses in my life, I had set up this protection from real love…
  
  Q: I know some background information. Do you imply that relationships after her (e.x. ’02), are all been quite different?
  A: Yeah, very. I mean there was one occasion when I almost entered some sort of relationship that was very different to others, but luckily I did not.. Well, question of “luckily” is of course open.
  
  Q: Tell me about the experience you had this spring.
  A: Well… this is one of a kind. I mean, I did not see how I was pulled into the “game” of family. I hadn’t had such service for countless years. I mean, if I wanted my wife to be alike somebody, she might be a good example of. And still, she was not beautiful enough to satisfy my man needs. I have some predefined templates there. Those can be changed, with enough of will power. But, to sum up then, if I’m asked if I liked here – I keep saying no, but if I was asked if I like her “setup” of thinking and acting, then there was something that really did grab my attention.
  
  Q: Okay, so, given that you have all the choices in the world now. What would you like to do next?
  A: I have been experiencing quite a hard time lately, being alone. It’s no easy thing. So, it feels that I need this energy from my other side to keep me moving. I have met some girls lately, and well, this is rather not leading anywhere. There was/is one that I find very nice, but I don’t think there is much more than sexual attraction to her. But I don’t know her. She drinks a lot, and that seems to be an issue. A mean of trying to get something smoothed out of the way. Probably she’s regretting some of the past she had. This is all very tricky. Don’t know. BUT there is something that is attracting me to her.
  
  Q: What about your wife? Do you still feel any attraction to her?
  A: Well. I’ve been thinking about her quite a lot. What can I say? She can be nice, funny, and good to have time with. But there is the other side – the very high level of distrust, the disbelief in me, denial of me. She is very unhappy with what I did and the problem is that she just cannot let it go. Well, sure I also cannot let it go that she slept with somebody else – I even cannot understand how that is possible. I’ve been somewhat close to that, but no way, could I even kiss someone. I feel like sealed when things get to that. Sure, that will change once I know that things are over with my wife. However, until then, there is little change for anything to happen – although I really want to get my animalistic needs settled in a proper way.. it’s bothering.
  
  Q: Okay, but this does not really answer the question – what do you want to do?
  A: I want to go on. But I’m afraid of committing an error. I know that in my work, you can always revert changes, BUT, it’s not the thing in the real life. So, yes I’m afraid of committing the error of my life. Yeah, I know, that will make you ask me – what is it that I’m afraid of losing. Well. The upside. It’s kind of a feeling, that any other choice out there will be just worse. Don’t know why I feel that way. Probably that shows some deep lack of confidence in myself. Which again is story going down to early childhood – when I was laughed at, not accepted, rendered useless. From then on, I try to stick to everything I get, assuming that there is nothing better that I could probably get. This is very serious issue. I’m telling myself even right now. Come-on – you are good man, honest, helping, fun. Just need a proper treatment to keep me moving.
  
  Q: Keep going.
  A: Okay, so, if you ask what I want, I want respect. I want somebody, to respect, but get that back in return. To start with. Also, for some reason, I’m still considering only nice looking ladies – I don’t know why but if one is not fit, I think it’s not a choice to make. Evolution? I don’t know. It’s either you take it or no. So, but question really is about what would I like to do next. So, we agreed that I want to escape from love, from being thrown away as a toy again.. I need to get rid of need for being humiliated and not accepted. That’s why friends are so important to me. They improve my ego, through them I feel better. I know that I’m not that bad. They are there to help me when necessary. Good feeling.
  
  Q: What can you do to improve your current feeling?
  A: Okay, sounds familiar, NLP? :) Anyway, I should have objectives back on track. If I could live alone, it would be easy, but it feels that I’m not that kind of man. So that makes things more complicated. I have observed, that while I’m driving, I feel good. When I do sports, I feel good. When I sleep, I feel good. It feels as if I have stopped believing in world at all. Really. No, really… dam.. I need to smoke.. catch up later on.
  
  [to be continued]
• 2 commentsLeave a comment

• Liepāja
• 9/26/11 09:14 am
• Labrit. Esmu pamodies un secinu, ka atrodos Liepājā :) jāmeklē brokastvieta drīz. Ja ir ieteikumi, welcome :)
• 2 commentsLeave a comment