Mental Asphyxia

urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri Mental Asphyxia The Goddess The Goddess echostey@gmail.com Silverflame 2013-05-16T21:18:46Z 2013-05-16T21:18:46Z Creativity Block urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:168276 2013-05-16T22:12:00 2013-05-16T22:12:00 2013-05-16T21:18:46Z 2013-05-16T21:18:46Z They are trying to numb us down and form us into what they want. By offering the easy way out, by offering stable well-paid jobs right at the exit of our universities. They know our mind hasn't settled. Nor do we know what we want yet. But we will never figure it out, because we will be guided through life by attractive easy choices. They might not be easy in the standard sense. You have to work hard to achieve goals you never set for yourself. However, they are convenient goals that distract you from figuring out your life. Don't give up, don't take the easy way out. Fight for the freedom of your mind, for making your own choices and bearing the responsibility. That is the only way you will ever learn to live with yourself - in knowing what you really want. Once you do, there is no one to stop you. Do not let the numerous corporations, organisations, institutions and other industrial giants to take away the dreams you don't yet know you have, don't let them own your life and make you into what they need you to be. Don't let them kill your creative mind. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:167529 2013-03-16T19:25:00 2013-03-16T19:25:00 2013-03-16T19:31:42Z 2013-03-16T19:31:42Z So I haven't spoken to anyone the whole day. Not a word. Not even online. I fear I'll forget how to speak. While that might not be the worst thing ever, it would be terrible to lose the ability to express thoughts in a human-readable format. I think I really need to get out of this state of complete social degradation. But I don't remember how. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:166850 2012-09-02T19:59:00 2012-09-02T19:59:00 2012-09-02T19:36:35Z 2012-09-02T19:36:35Z Night, forever night. Gentle humming of the server room puts me to sleep and I see code. The source code of the Universe, no less. All the lines have been locked, yet they are all different every time I see them. Dynamic, ever changing. You can't help but wonder, how this change occurs. One would attempt to study the objects, values and functions, but they are never the same and they never have a clear meaning. I have spoken to others who have seen this; it's been agreed that this is not good code. But then, this is not a very great Universe. It is beautiful though, and it works most of the time. I don't even know if I enjoy this monochrome wonder. It's like being in low-level space. And then there's that inability to change anything. Even if I knew what any of this does, what it influences, there is nothing any of us could do about it. We can't find the cancer method and remove all calls to it. If we could, would we really know what else gets obliterated, what objects and variables would suffer? Surely, something would be set to null. Maybe the whole thing would break. Best case scenario - we'd get a compile-time error. The Universe can handle compile-time errors. Can we? Fear is the mind-killer. But you need a certain amount of it. Most of us just don't have enough fear to be given enough power. People started seeing the naked Universe quite a while ago. It went on for a while before everyone noticed the similarity of our dreams, before it started replacing the dreams of people completely; and then everyone began talking about it. There was a theory it's a virus that affects out brain in mysterious ways. There is still a theory that the end is near, so we are being let into the greatest secrets of creation that none of us could possibly ever comprehend. None of this makes sense. To me it is the Universe. To others it's just a digital representation of the dreams they would normally be having as images. The virus supposedly destroys the images, reduces them to code. But they don't know any better. This is our world in all its beauty. While stripped of the obvious beauty, it is stunning as ever, full of wonder, never ceasing to amaze. As you would imagine, not everyone can handle this purity in the logic breakdown of our world. Many have gone crazy, but then they would have anyway, just give them an excuse. Some formed religious cults; which not much difference from the insane lot. I belong the the groups of people attempting to study this phenomenon, with not much success thus far. In all honesty, I believe we are not meant to understand. I wake up and it feels like breaking out of a spell that puts a strain on all your movements. The blinking lights of numerous server racks are soothing. Like a prof of life, they are a sign that everything is as it should be. As go about tending to my precious machines, I can't stop attempting to imagine what would their source code look like... urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:161411 2012-04-13T08:55:00 2012-04-13T08:55:00 2012-04-13T07:56:55Z 2012-04-13T07:56:55Z Pain is a sign of weakness. And when it hurts no more, only then I will be strong. I'm probably already a fine improvement on my past self. P.s. Fuck you, ubuntu server, fuck you and your incompatibilities. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:159938 2012-03-24T16:46:00 2012-03-24T16:46:00 2012-03-24T16:46:21Z 2012-03-24T16:46:21Z High heels - so damn worth the pain. Claire urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:159441 2012-03-09T21:38:00 2012-03-09T21:38:00 2012-03-09T21:44:59Z 2012-03-09T21:44:59Z I know there's no time to give up. No time to live or tell a story. There's just and endless forever. Not the kind of immortality I seek. There will be a moment to wake up. I live for that moment. Hoping for it to last an eternity and knowing that it won't. But what if I die before I wake? urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:157727 2012-01-22T20:59:00 2012-01-22T20:59:00 2012-01-22T21:00:06Z 2012-01-22T21:00:06Z Intergalactic porn actually seems such a great idea. Imagine not even realising that what you're seeing is dirty and highly inappropriate. Well, you'd probably suspect something, since it's called porn. But still. Quote of the Day urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:154004 2011-08-11T13:27:00 2011-08-11T13:27:00 2011-08-11T12:27:39Z 2011-08-11T12:27:39Z "любовь зла, полюбишь и гуманитария" urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:153523 2011-07-28T22:27:00 2011-07-28T22:27:00 2011-07-28T19:41:34Z 2011-07-28T19:41:34Z Глубина, глубина...Я твоя urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:152228 2011-06-29T00:40:00 2011-06-29T00:40:00 2011-06-28T21:41:01Z 2011-06-28T21:41:01Z Varbūt kāds zina kādu vietu Rīgā, kur notiek jogas nodarbības pilnīgiem iesācējiem? Ja vēl nebūtu dārgi, arī. Shatter Me urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:151192 2011-06-07T02:13:00 2011-06-07T02:13:00 2011-06-07T01:49:01Z 2011-06-07T01:49:01Z Have you ever wondered where did all the people go? Maybe you don't even notice, as a whole city dies. The people live on, elsewhere, but the city dies. With an echo through all its surroundings, but there isn't a soul to notice. Empty, but not soulless. It can still scare the hell out of me. I can clearly remember my first time, when I peeled myself off a floor of a broken, crushed building, all covered in dust - a ghost in a ghost town. Aggression was first to wash over me and just then the plain curiousity - my God, how did I come to this? Since then I've learnt to hear the cry. To follow voices and history. None of it matters to anyone, except maybe just me. Wind undressed them stone by stone. Left nothing but broken bones. And kept on shattering glass. I know what it feels like now. To be left for dead. Abandoned cities was a passion of mine, ever since I became a sleepwalker. Perfect by nature, ruined by the human world. That's a common excuse. Unlike other people, my sleepwalking always took me far away to a city long lost and forgotten, left to completely disappear one day. They told me it was just my imagination, but all the dust and a couple of old maps convinced them I was for real. I started looking for places like that. For aggression and pain, mostly both. And then the calm feeling of acceptance. If I should ever be lost, my sleepwalking guided me through wake. It's great to close your eyes and know that next time you open them, you will find yourself at the birthplace of your peace. You can close your eyes and just be. All true and all you. And I reached the perfect balance of nature and the human world. They told everyone I did it to myself. Every cut and bruise on my body screamed "lies", but it's never enough. People always claim to know only what they see, but really they don't know even that. In their simple mind I did it all, by myself, to myself. You know how sometimes the profile fits and they find your suicide notes at all the wrong moments. Cries for help lost in time, found and destroyed. One time I closed my eyes and woke up in a nightmare. Frightened and lost, wandering endlessly, trying to wish myself back into the lonely comfort of one of my dying worlds. But it's like they weren't even there anymore, as wasn't the radiant calm. The dust though, there was quite enough dust. Every cut on my body screamed "run", every bruise added "away". My mind was lost inbetween. In the end, none of it matters. Only the last drops of blood, my liquid serenity, reminded me, what the dead cities feel when they die. And the calm of acceptance flooded me in a wave. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:150765 2011-05-28T21:11:00 2011-05-28T21:11:00 2011-05-28T20:12:05Z 2011-05-28T20:12:05Z <img src="http://graphjam.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/tumblr_llsw0n57z51qctcnso1_500.jpg" /> urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:150147 2011-05-23T21:30:00 2011-05-23T21:30:00 2011-05-23T23:01:36Z 2011-05-23T23:01:36Z Do we really break all pretty things there are? -------------------------------------- There is so much of NOTHING going on EVERYWHERE that I'm starting to love going to work. ------------------------------------- Coffee + Bailey's, by the way, the bestest thing. Going Under urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:149597 2011-05-07T12:40:00 2011-05-07T12:40:00 2011-05-07T11:43:16Z 2011-05-07T11:43:16Z Maybe I'll wake up for once. Maybe not. But I have to try to be my own person, otherwise I will always be dragged down. And then tonight, I'll write something. I know I will, I feel an idea. Decisions, decisions. I hope I made mine and I hope it's right. Hope is all I've ever got. urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:148711 2011-05-01T19:33:00 2011-05-01T19:33:00 2011-05-01T18:35:13Z 2011-05-01T18:35:13Z Best day ever. After swearing and pulling tons of my hair out for daaays, I finally managed to get that database wonder working. God help me with the writeups and stuff. Oh, and a report. And an exam. And I'm up for jury on Tuesday. Īk. I don't need no education, no I don't urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:148201 2011-04-25T00:17:00 2011-04-25T00:17:00 2011-04-24T23:32:29Z 2011-04-24T23:32:29Z So I finally find out about being drunk with the kind aid of a bottle of wine. To be really honest, it's completely overrated. Head spins, walking becomes really funny sometimes resulting in random towel hanger dysfunction, but the mind is still crystal clear inside that lame cage of a drunken body. There is no light, happy or otherwise liberating feeling. But there's definitely lots of motion sickness with a hint of a headache in the morning. So - why do people do that? What's the point in it? At this moment I am so disappointed in life I could write an essay about it (with academic references, to be more suicidal). Off the topic - I am planning to sell some clothes in June when I'm back home. Would anyone be interested in a 24" steel boned underbust corset in great condition, a really pretty unworn black silky blouse for girls about size 36, a lace cardigan of size 38 and perhaps a blue Chinese dress? Cannot provide pictures at the moment for the lack of a decent (non-phone) camera, but I will make some as soon as I'm home. Just want to find out, whether there is any interest at all in really good quality good-looking clothes that I cannot wear, because they don't really fit me. A bit more on math urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:146519 2011-03-14T14:27:00 2011-03-14T14:27:00 2011-03-14T14:27:54Z 2011-03-14T14:27:54Z <img src="http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fairy_tales.png" /> Quote of the Day urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:146272 2011-03-10T15:19:00 2011-03-10T15:19:00 2011-03-10T15:20:10Z 2011-03-10T15:20:10Z "xxx: Сидят три ряда. Вдруг один начинает сходиться. Другие ему: "Схождение без причины - признак Даламбера"." urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:142923 2010-12-08T18:07:00 2010-12-08T18:07:00 2010-12-08T18:07:42Z 2010-12-08T18:07:42Z <img src="http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/9c896b7e-04da-4161-95e4-6e22be36081b.jpg" /> Irrational Minds urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:141959 2010-11-27T00:19:00 2010-11-27T00:19:00 2010-11-27T01:09:27Z 2010-11-27T01:09:27Z Being a very normal person, I have been used to very normal things throughout my life. Getting up, having ridiculous by all means amounts of coffee and zombifying my way into public transport, joining other walking dead going to work. Most people well know - the brain does not really wake up until the end of the shift, if you're lucky or, in fact, braindead. But hey, with the current levels of democracy, braindead people should be allowed to have a life too! Returning home from work, one starts to slowly wake up to the wonders of this world such as more coffee and lots of dirty dishes in the kitchen. I always find myself wondering - why all this mess, if my girlfriend doesn't even work. I mean...she could as well get used to being a housewife, if not for me, then definitely for some other unbelievably naive, yet in a weird way lucky guy. But there she is, smiling at me over the monitor of her laptop and offering to make some tea, perfectly well knowing I am a coffee patriot. It is fairly impossible to judge her. My very own special Fey, who always knows how to render my anger useless with just one look. Maybe that is also a part of her charm, I have thought of that. So, when we are both in kitchen at the end of the day, drinking the beverages of our absolute devotion, I manage to maintain my absolutely normal shell, while at the opposite side of the table Fey is sipping tea and raising the dead with her laptop open in front of her. Completely, doubtlessly normal... Ironically, we met in a comic book store, as to emphasize how special such relationship can turn out. Back then I thought that we seemed to be the only two normal people in the store. Honestly, I only went in to pick up a present for my nephew. Well, allright, maybe a little something for myself. A comic book series I long wanted, whatever. But no matter how geeky I was, Fey turned out to absolutely beat me in being a freak of the social life. I don't really know what she saw in me (perhaps the possibility that I might like her for who she is), but I saw...well, her appearance. And the fact that she was a girl. Talking to me. In public. MUST have suspected something was very wrong at that point already. So we started seeing eachother. And at one point a question of what the hell does she ever do for a living arrived at our comfortable hotel room door. "Occasionally raising the dead for the military. Sometimes for private customers. And entertainment." was really not the answer anyone in this whole damn madhouse of a world would ever think of. Not even the top-1000. After that I calmly and responsibly, like any grown man, ran away and hid in my apartment, blocking the door with a heavy cupboard, for a week or so. How do you justify bringing dead people back to life? How do you...just live with it? Even more difficult - how do you live with someone who can make your dead grandmother dance and entertain guests at your thirtieth birthday party? This is how I found out that humans are the most irrational beings that can ever be imagined. I missed her and I wanted to see her again, despite the fact that I still don't have the answers to the very important questions upward. It's not because I was afraid no woman would ever talk to me again, honest. I just really enjoyed her company and...she was a necromancer all along - and all along she had been perfect. I must admit, I freaked a bit (more like a lot) when she brought her occulty mirror, introducing it as "the mirror of lost souls" or something epic like that. Yet soon enough I realized that it poses no wicked toothbrush-stealing-spirits dangers to the world I live in. Even the phrase "sorry, honey, gotta work, the military guys like their corpses fresh and on time" does not cause epileptic seizures in my system anymore. We live in two separate worlds, both absolutely mundane for each of us. And when these worlds collide, it's absolute chaos and ultimate improbability. "What if the mirror should break? Will the veils between the world of the living and the world of the dead be torn or something?" "No. Nothing of such sort. I will just be very much out of business." Coming up next urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:140034 2010-09-30T23:36:00 2010-09-30T23:36:00 2010-09-30T22:42:48Z 2010-09-30T22:42:48Z Of Chaos and Sorrow. It shall be told. P.s. While smoking an E-lite to make it more tragic than it already is. "Suicide note" urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:139090 2010-08-20T09:50:00 2010-08-20T09:50:00 2010-08-20T06:55:14Z 2010-08-20T06:55:14Z Manis nav. Nedz šeit, nedz kur citur. Manis nav. Love urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:138662 2010-08-15T18:48:00 2010-08-15T18:48:00 2010-08-15T15:51:35Z 2010-08-15T15:51:35Z "The circle itself is an infinite thing. It is magical and never-ending, never changing and yet always adaptable, a ring with no beginning and no conclusion. Like the circle, true love itself is infinite. It goes on, knowing no boundaries or restrictions. It flourishes and blooms in the light and in the dark, laying down no ultimatums, making no demands at all. Love, in its infinite form, is something that cannot be forced. It cannot be taken away. It is a gift we give to ourselves, and an honor we give to others from the bottom of our hearts and souls." I have no words of my own. Ayreon - Comatose urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:136086 2010-06-12T23:44:00 2010-06-12T23:44:00 2010-06-12T20:44:52Z 2010-06-12T20:44:52Z "No need to feel desire (but I need you with me) No need to feel so small (but I need to feel secure) No need to feel the fire (but I need to feel free) No need to feel at all (but I need to know for sure)" Sketch urn:lj:klab.lv:atom1:simri:135546 2010-06-09T23:06:00 2010-06-09T23:06:00 2010-06-09T20:30:50Z 2010-06-09T20:30:50Z Your open window and a warm summer night breeze - this is what sets me free, this is what gets me high. The romance of the neon lights beneath us fills the air with an illusional scent. It doesn't bring back any memories, it gives me new ones. Finally. Eva didn't fly away, she's going to see the dream to follow first. Long lost feelings are slowly coming back. It's difficult to remember who I am, but I think I am becoming who I am again, even though it's a completely different person, as far as I can tell. While hurting so many people, hope, that maybe there is improvement in this new person, still stands. Your touch gently wakes me up from reality. The pain of your touch constantly reminds me this is only a dream. You seem to be a perfect balance, bittersweet. For how long can I keep the window open until the breeze is too cold against my skin, until it gets caught up in my hair and needs to be released? I tell you Isobel called yesterday and you smile. She's your summer night breeze. The smile echoes in my mind, drills into it, leaving permanent damage. And then you say something meaningless. I turn away and leave it to you to close the window. My veil covers my face, but you can see through it, you know me too well. You know I can't fly anymore. The blood on my wedding dress doesn't scare you as much as the veil that covers something you already know exists. [To be or not to be continued]