No.364 - The sinking ship operation.
Is there a point to save a sinking ship?
I woke up this morning with a memory of last night's monologue via texts. After a bottle of wine and growing frustration of the misery and no control over the situation - I decided this night is just as good as any to type down my thoughts. Or, to be more precise, to boil out my feelings over him and regain the control. OR at least that's how it felt it would be.
I explained in great detail, that I am unable to have a small talk while all the background a screaming voice of 'what the fuck is going on with us' in my head is shouting. We were suppose to meet once i get back to London. And he knew I was back. But my phone was silent. I could not hold back. And the polite conversation did not go anywhere near a possible scenario of a potential coffee. It moved towards the opposite. For me then it boiled down to explosion.
And finally, after my long sms monologue I asked his thoughts. And I received them this morning. Everything, every single line confirmed what I already knew. He was not able to be himself around me. And Hi's head went into a protest mode. It reacted. Way too many times.
And I've been wondering today. IS it worth to save a sinking ship? How much of what is lost can we get back? OR even - can we? And when would it be worth the effort? I've been in this constant miserable state of worrying of what is going to happen with us. Whether there ever will be us? Why is it that I cared for this relationship so much more than he did? Or whether that is only my perception that tells me I'm the one making an effort?
By the end of our relationship - we were not us. We were not enjoying the time we had together. Of course there were good moments. Many. And, yet, despite the fact, that I saw signs, I tried to swim against the stream instead of trying to talk about these things. Was I again too afraid to loose us? It lost now. And I'm still breathing. I'm still alive. But am I living? Should I just try and force myself to accept the fact that nothing can be done? Are there any aspects that could change? And where the great fear came from? Was that him or was that me feeling overshadowed by hi's presence.
At this moment - I cannot trust him. I cannot relay on him. I was not able to relay on him for a very long time though. And that manifested as a feeling of low self-esteem. Stronger and stronger. A vicious cycle.
At this moment - I have defined myself that I am on my own. I still have great deal of feelings for him. But I also know that right now with the way thing are I cannot be with him. So that brings me to the question: for how long it is adequate to wait for these feelings to settle down and move on? For how long am I suppose to wait for him to make up his mind? And just now, by typing these words down - I realised - I cannot wait on anything. Regardless of what he's decision (if ever) will be. I am single right now - and that does not mean I need to morn the relationship. I've done it for long enough while I was in it. Is that feeling of relief after a breakup not a sign that there was something incredibly wrong with US? And could that ever change?
I fear that sailing away from the sinking ship will leave me floating endlessly on my own in the little rescue boat in the endless ocean. With no island of peace where to stop.
Is it the passion for the sea and the storming waters that runs the ship through the ocean or is it sitting on the island watching the storm from distance in that safe place of peace and harmony that I wish for?
I woke up this morning with a memory of last night's monologue via texts. After a bottle of wine and growing frustration of the misery and no control over the situation - I decided this night is just as good as any to type down my thoughts. Or, to be more precise, to boil out my feelings over him and regain the control. OR at least that's how it felt it would be.
I explained in great detail, that I am unable to have a small talk while all the background a screaming voice of 'what the fuck is going on with us' in my head is shouting. We were suppose to meet once i get back to London. And he knew I was back. But my phone was silent. I could not hold back. And the polite conversation did not go anywhere near a possible scenario of a potential coffee. It moved towards the opposite. For me then it boiled down to explosion.
And finally, after my long sms monologue I asked his thoughts. And I received them this morning. Everything, every single line confirmed what I already knew. He was not able to be himself around me. And Hi's head went into a protest mode. It reacted. Way too many times.
And I've been wondering today. IS it worth to save a sinking ship? How much of what is lost can we get back? OR even - can we? And when would it be worth the effort? I've been in this constant miserable state of worrying of what is going to happen with us. Whether there ever will be us? Why is it that I cared for this relationship so much more than he did? Or whether that is only my perception that tells me I'm the one making an effort?
By the end of our relationship - we were not us. We were not enjoying the time we had together. Of course there were good moments. Many. And, yet, despite the fact, that I saw signs, I tried to swim against the stream instead of trying to talk about these things. Was I again too afraid to loose us? It lost now. And I'm still breathing. I'm still alive. But am I living? Should I just try and force myself to accept the fact that nothing can be done? Are there any aspects that could change? And where the great fear came from? Was that him or was that me feeling overshadowed by hi's presence.
At this moment - I cannot trust him. I cannot relay on him. I was not able to relay on him for a very long time though. And that manifested as a feeling of low self-esteem. Stronger and stronger. A vicious cycle.
At this moment - I have defined myself that I am on my own. I still have great deal of feelings for him. But I also know that right now with the way thing are I cannot be with him. So that brings me to the question: for how long it is adequate to wait for these feelings to settle down and move on? For how long am I suppose to wait for him to make up his mind? And just now, by typing these words down - I realised - I cannot wait on anything. Regardless of what he's decision (if ever) will be. I am single right now - and that does not mean I need to morn the relationship. I've done it for long enough while I was in it. Is that feeling of relief after a breakup not a sign that there was something incredibly wrong with US? And could that ever change?
I fear that sailing away from the sinking ship will leave me floating endlessly on my own in the little rescue boat in the endless ocean. With no island of peace where to stop.
Is it the passion for the sea and the storming waters that runs the ship through the ocean or is it sitting on the island watching the storm from distance in that safe place of peace and harmony that I wish for?