Te ir kaut kas teikts
14.8.17 15:01 - Un saliec sevi atpakaļ pa vienam gabaliņam
And I thought that I was slowly putting myself back together. But yesterday I felt as I wanted to tear pieces of from me. Just to destroy myself. Obliterate. It's been a while since I questioned my old fundamental decisions. Maybe because of more self awareness about my situation which I gained last Monday everything seems too much. But at least now it hurts. At least now I cry. All crumbles apart in me, but outside all around me stays the same. Painfully the same. The same problems on outside but now I'm in pieces inside. Yesterday I fell apart again.
Today I'm undecided should I disassemble myself further or to start putting myself back. Should I distance myself or should I reach out? And how should I feel or maybe should I drop that question all together because I feel how I feel and if no one has asked me that then that is not a reason not to ask it myself. And finally - if I am putting myself back together then how? What is better version of me, what is just delusions and what is the mistake?
What a week. And it's all inside me. I have a lot of everything in me. Booo.
5.8.17 09:33 - My brain is weird.
I started to experiment again with some substances (basically because of availability, colleagues...) and it seems that I will come to the same conclusion I had with smoking weed. The experience and gain is inferior to that what I can induce myself and/or my brain produces by itself. Bad trips... hmm... when my brain does that it's more enjoyable/controllable.
So drugs, huh? Why?
And even alcohol I drink less and less for the effect but for the taste. And I am starting to dislike the effect especially when a bit too much. Or maybe it's next morning. But either way.
Tonight I had the weirdest sleep/meditation/trippy state. (No drugs or anything.) I was kind of sleeping but kind of not and doing breathing exercises, body felt weird and there was some kind of clear feeling/visual feeling. And I woke up very refreshed... after 4 hours. And then I could manage only three more hours, after six o'clock I could not fall asleep any more. And that's when I'm sick and should sleep almost all day and didn't have enough sleep previous night. But that feeling when... there... not possible to describe. I was in my bed, but everything was... more and less.
19.7.17 13:27 - Das experiment
Back to OkC actively (lowered needed match percentage too) and trying Tinder once again. We'll see. But Tinder got boring quite fast two years ago. This time I just have a plan. Liking only guys with some normal profile info (that means 90% gets automatic no), then if mutual like wait 6h and then write a message. (Blah, just agreeing with heteronormative stuff, whatever.) Then if writing style is very bad - no. But then it becomes improvisation. There are some milestones, but we will see.
upd: "will not tell anything you ask me" profile info gets automatic "nope" too.
19.7.17 13:06 - Cirslītis
I'm not gift person. I don't want to receive them usually and I gladly not bother about giving them either. Just too much trouble whatever on witch side of gift you are. Sometimes I get some gifts. Something, something. I can count those people on fingers of one hand who are important enough to bother. But last three times... I just forgot to give those things when I met those people. Two souvenirs and one birthday gift is still patiently waiting.
Gribas apstāties un sajust zemi zem kājām. Sajust sevi. Bet nav laika. Nav laika tikt galā ar savām domām. Sajust zemi zem kājām. Bet laikam tač jāiemācās peldēt labāk.
Vēlēšanas mani dzen mērenā depresīvā sajūtā. Visi viņi muļķi un viņu reklāmas ir viena par otru stulbāka. Nu par ko balsot, a? Nilu negribu, bet ko tad?
Kuces. Es jau dzirdēju, bet ignorēju. Bet nu beidzot izlasīju to epastiņ' no Bites. Maksāšu vismaz par trešdaļu vairāk, interneta četras reizes mazāk (man bija saglabājies vecs, vecs tarifu plāns, kurš bija labs, ja!) un jaunie plusi man īsti nerausta. Ar Viļņu es sazinos caur FB zvanu un vispār tās "brīvās" 50 minūtes nepietiktu pat vienai sarunai, smieklīgi. Arī ironiski, ka brīvais nets man tiks pēc ceļojuma uz Vāciju. Bet Lietuvā wi-fi ir visur. Tātad - maza man tā jēga. Un atkārtoju - neta tagad man būs četras reizes mazāk! Neierobežoti zvani neinteresē, ja vien tas nav zvanot UZ Lietuvu. Nekur tālāk neko beiži nebraucu, neceļoju. Neesmu kopā vairs ar A. Nu... kuces nu.
If you feel that there is some base structure for you to relay on... remember, there is not.
Goodnight. Try #3.
Interesting... I have fought with depression like symptoms so much (and I would even want to say that I'm good with it) that I don't really have any real ideas how to deal with "real" outside stressors. (No time, lots of work, lots of personal ideas I want to do, and in university end of the year is lurking way too close, no time...)
And that's why now I - can't fall asleep (till 5 this morning); have some stomach gastritis like problems for first time in my life; common cold, the usual for situation like this. :D
I'm not sure if my week long unexpected vacation in Germany was worth it now. :D
Sleepless night. Because? I'm back from week long vacation in Germany. No, really. Why? I couldn't fall asleep. Weird things.
Ziniet kāds var būt viens no iemesliem, kāpēc kāds nav atbildējis uz e-pastu? Tāpēc, ka kāds cirslītis nav nospiedis sūtīt pogu, kad sacerējis savu garo vēstuli.
Sometimes I get so emotional that I need solid reason why not to fuck up everything at the instant. The feeling is very intense. I hate my emotions, a bit more low key would be wonderful. In my mind I have ended relationships way more than I ever could remember. If this always was the case (unstable emotional sensitivity) then no wonder I have such a strong inhibition system. But I still decide on particular date when I'm "allowed" to end any relationship. Till then... either work in through or accept it till that date. So... Three more months, huh? I can bet that till that time I will not have this particular problem any more. (Can't guarantee for any other, though.)
And even if it saves me from more duties and troubles, it still means I didn't do it better or good enough. It still means I couldn't. And it means more powerlessness. And more boredom with work which I find boring again. I need to learn and grow. But apparently not good enough for that either.
Or maybe I just emotionally feel down. And then there is no worth to my ramblings anyway.
Maybe I have to start dating again. Or at least socialize. I'm getting back to that though, yes, prioritizing people more. But it's hard to get the balance. It's hard to put up my own boundaries. To have a strict position of how I will spend that time with other people. I am prone to adapt. And only lately I start to appreciate the quick socialization moments. And by quick I mean an hour. Yes, I am the long conversion girl. Well... maybe I need to adapt more to my own external situations (work&school load) than other people. Even if important and/or enjoyable.
Coming back to prioritizing my own judgement over others. Actually that was shocking concept for me. Especially when I could argument it not with simple "just because" or "because I like so"* but give rational reasons. Because it is more effective.
*I'm really not inspired by just liking something as the reason to do it. I don't place much value on it. I'm learning to exercise it more for things so I can enjoy life more, only reason because I want so, but not if when it comes to conflict with other things/values/people.
I don't know what else to add. Maybe "and vitamins". Though I didn't drink them that much. And not the first time I see this happening. So if something, you can remind me next time. :D
I should know better than saying to myself things I should be better at. Yes.
You should be better than this. Mistakes I make.
One of the most frequent mistakes I do is to relax and have easygoing attitude after doing firs steps/tasks good in a bigger task. It feels as now it's ok, I'm over the hard part - first steps - and rest of it will be easy. Sure, most books focus on that as the hardest part. And I always have argued that it is unusable technique (just start, take first steps) for me because I don't continue. But sometimes if those first steps felt good... I unconsciously assume that I will continue because... I already did the first steps?
I really need to ingrain the idea that first steps are worthless.
Argh! Rīta neomu uzveidoja "feministes". Bļāviens. Ir taču 8. marts, bet grupā vakardien atkal saliktas piepišanās par to, ka ir dažādi produkti sievietēm un vīriešiem. Ak, muslis!!! Nez vai tās ir tās pašas, kas ņirgājas par 30 dienām svārkos? Redz svārku dienām tika pārmets, ka tas nav tas par ko ir sievišķība un vispār labāk būtu iesaistījušās olšūnu protestos, tas ir svarīgāk. Vienlaicīgi tur sakrita. Bet lūk muslis gan ir tik svarīgi, ja? Bāc, kā man apnikušas šīs piepišanās par sīkumiem!
//rant over, nē nemaz nedomā klārēt kaut kādas anti-feministu stulbības.
It seems to be a lot about being in control. When I feel in control I can relax and really do things I need. When I don't feel so, I freeze and have difficulty of even pushing myself to do things I really, really need to do. And I mean control over myself. I just need to understand and having at least some strategies up my sleeve. Having control over my emotions is one of main underlying themes in my life. And if I can't do something just because of emotional reasons... It stresses the fuck out of me. Especially if I don't understand it and have no idea how to deal with it.
We'll see. For now I have ordered one book, downloaded three more. Started to put down the thoughts what I have when feeling like procrastinating (esp. when there is this feeling of wanting to avoid the task not just feeling lazy).