Te ir kaut kas teikts
And even if it saves me from more duties and troubles, it still means I didn't do it better or good enough. It still means I couldn't. And it means more powerlessness. And more boredom with work which I find boring again. I need to learn and grow. But apparently not good enough for that either.
Or maybe I just emotionally feel down. And then there is no worth to my ramblings anyway.
Maybe I have to start dating again. Or at least socialize. I'm getting back to that though, yes, prioritizing people more. But it's hard to get the balance. It's hard to put up my own boundaries. To have a strict position of how I will spend that time with other people. I am prone to adapt. And only lately I start to appreciate the quick socialization moments. And by quick I mean an hour. Yes, I am the long conversion girl. Well... maybe I need to adapt more to my own external situations (work&school load) than other people. Even if important and/or enjoyable.
Coming back to prioritizing my own judgement over others. Actually that was shocking concept for me. Especially when I could argument it not with simple "just because" or "because I like so"* but give rational reasons. Because it is more effective.
*I'm really not inspired by just liking something as the reason to do it. I don't place much value on it. I'm learning to exercise it more for things so I can enjoy life more, only reason because I want so, but not if when it comes to conflict with other things/values/people.
I don't know what else to add. Maybe "and vitamins". Though I didn't drink them that much. And not the first time I see this happening. So if something, you can remind me next time. :D
I should know better than saying to myself things I should be better at. Yes.
You should be better than this. Mistakes I make.
One of the most frequent mistakes I do is to relax and have easygoing attitude after doing firs steps/tasks good in a bigger task. It feels as now it's ok, I'm over the hard part - first steps - and rest of it will be easy. Sure, most books focus on that as the hardest part. And I always have argued that it is unusable technique (just start, take first steps) for me because I don't continue. But sometimes if those first steps felt good... I unconsciously assume that I will continue because... I already did the first steps?
I really need to ingrain the idea that first steps are worthless.
Argh! Rīta neomu uzveidoja "feministes". Bļāviens. Ir taču 8. marts, bet grupā vakardien atkal saliktas piepišanās par to, ka ir dažādi produkti sievietēm un vīriešiem. Ak, muslis!!! Nez vai tās ir tās pašas, kas ņirgājas par 30 dienām svārkos? Redz svārku dienām tika pārmets, ka tas nav tas par ko ir sievišķība un vispār labāk būtu iesaistījušās olšūnu protestos, tas ir svarīgāk. Vienlaicīgi tur sakrita. Bet lūk muslis gan ir tik svarīgi, ja? Bāc, kā man apnikušas šīs piepišanās par sīkumiem!
//rant over, nē nemaz nedomā klārēt kaut kādas anti-feministu stulbības.
It seems to be a lot about being in control. When I feel in control I can relax and really do things I need. When I don't feel so, I freeze and have difficulty of even pushing myself to do things I really, really need to do. And I mean control over myself. I just need to understand and having at least some strategies up my sleeve. Having control over my emotions is one of main underlying themes in my life. And if I can't do something just because of emotional reasons... It stresses the fuck out of me. Especially if I don't understand it and have no idea how to deal with it.
We'll see. For now I have ordered one book, downloaded three more. Started to put down the thoughts what I have when feeling like procrastinating (esp. when there is this feeling of wanting to avoid the task not just feeling lazy).
Inner snooze button.
4.3.17 16:02 - Maybe... I should give up alcohol.
I drink casually and daily. It's unusual for me to go couple of days without alcohol. It's very rare to go without it for a week, almost never happens. I don't remember when it was last time. I think when I was on antibiotics. And only because of that. And then it was conscious effort. I don't consider myself alcoholic, but there is abundance of alcohol around me, it is very convenient and I really like the taste. I never drink shitty alcohol. Or at least the one I don't like. (I remembered one of those cheap sweet liqueurs I once bought.) Seldom I drink enough to get drunk, I'm really not a heavy drinker.
But I read an article. And... maybe I should give up alcohol. At least this daily consumption. I'm writing this while sipping beer. Ah... work. And this leads to my main point. I guess I need to change a job. I had thoughts about it, yes, but from totally different stand point. Weird. Because... not the first time.
4.3.17 12:32 - "I miss you"
I think the main reason behind this feeling is that now there is more that I don't share. Well I asked and I am alone in that part of my life. But it is the part of my life I struggle the most right now. He can't/doesn't know how to help. And the only thing I can do in this situation is to accept it and respect it. Because the answer was yes, I'm alone in this. And being alone makes you feel lonely. And feeling lonely makes you miss the person with whom you can usually share things like that. But I can't, because I'm alone in this. And being alone makes...
It would be much easier if touch, hugs and cuddles were abundant. But they are not. Sometimes simple touch is enough to make me feel better. Sometimes just simple hug is enough when you don't know what to say. Sometimes cuddle before sleep is the best help. But we are so far apart. It's ok when I feel ok. But when I don't it feels as a deal-breaker.
Trivial problem. What to do while waiting for slow course mates to catch up? Statistics. Damn... It's so hard to calculate the arithmetical mean. And now everyone waiting for person who just didn't pay attention and was in her phone.
So... but I need something to do in meanwhile. Something entertaining but not distracting too much. I still need to pay attention not to miss stuff I don't know. It's not that course offers unimportant information. Just the opposite, but pacing is sooooo slow...
And continuing the started topic. The main question is "How to deal with active BIS more effectively?" I'm starting to get some directions where to go but it's a mess in my head.
Problems: I need solution quickly, ASAP, studies doesn't wait, life neither; rewards doesn't really work, because that's BAS and rarely I can imagine reward so big that it would out weight BIS and even then it's not working to solve the main problem - BIS; planing and making to-do list doesn't work either.
A. Attention and analysis approach. Noticing the pattern and then trying to see where opportunities arise to deal with it. Slow.
B. Notice and do anyway approach. Takes up a lot of strength which I not always have.
c. Ignore and hope for the best. Stupid, works if the thing I need to do is not relevant. Well... not cleaning my room for more than a month... well... I kinda can live with that.
D. Therapy of some kind. Probably. Yes. The one I know... will have to find time in some Thursday evening. No time for the usual one though my psychotherapist has some new interesting tools, don't know if she has time either. Don't know any other good (read - effective) options.
E. Sedona method. Especially part of releasing wanting to do and then letting go of want not to do it. Very soft method, but in my experience effective. I just need to use it more. Found book, need to repeat that stuff. Can't remember if there was any other good stuff from my self-help experience.
F. Visualisation meditation. Right... I used that one quite often. Not sure if it will help in this case in any way, because it's not about dealing with bad experience/bad part in me, but with regulating system which is very needed but works too actively. Hmm... But then there are triggers/reasons for that too... ok. Usable.
G. Destruction. When getting the destruction feeling then BIS kinda steps back. Hard to explain, but that does work! And that's useable in situations when I need it fast. But it's not pleasant though.
H. Trying to manage things that activate BIS. This one is after A approach. I know for sure that is a lot of things and not a single issue. But understanding and trying to deal with hundred and one thing is better than having no clue whatsoever.
I. Habitualizing things I need to do. I despise the idea. I really do. (Too punk rock for admitting that habits are way to go.) But... effectiveness is more important. This could be struggle by itself because I don't like to put myself in any frame/routine/box. But I need to learn to do that too.
I have been using this journal for 10+years to deal with my emotional problems, ponder through them or just dump them here. And... let's keep doing it. :D
I have a problem, I have a really nice explanation for the problem, and I have wow much science name for that too. How cool. And I have no idea how to deal with the problem. No tools, no ideas... And yes, that's why I'm writing here, in hope to have some insight. Actually very effective method in my experience. The idea is quite new too, I need to absorb it more. And there is no better way than trying to express it in words when you can hardly grasp it yourself. Though it makes so much sense and is immediate yes!
For years and years I have asked myself and others why I can't just make myself to do some things even though I really want to. I could not find answer. Others gave me no use answers which didn't really make sense. "You don't want it enough" was quite common. "Just start and then you will go in the flow" was nice but unusable advice because result from that was less than 50%. Ok, depressive moods might made me biased, in those moods the flow really doesn't come. But to be honest... only in those depressive moods I lacked motivation. But when I was ok, when I had high motivation (and I read a lot of shit-help books too to booster it further) I still couldn't do things I wanted. As if something was holding me back. And according to science that is absolutely correct.
There are two systems which regulate what we do. Behavioural activation system and behavioural inhibition system. They are separate, those are not two opposite ends of one scale. Behavioural activation system (BAS) responds to reward, non-punishment and all those goals and "wish for it more" situations. It's the go-getter. People with more active BAS are more responsive to rewards. You have noticed, haven't you, there are those who become happy when they get something and then there are those who are really not so moved about it. Other is behavioural inhibition system (BIS) which responds to threats, punishment and all possible unfavourable outcomes what might come. And then it's all about avoidance. Bingo!
It isn't so that I don't want to do, that I haven't set the goal or reward afterwards. Ok, I could bet I score a bit low on BAS too, so I don't get that pleasant rush of reward, but knowing it I really try to train my brain to get that damned feeling. But the problem is that BIS. (I said I have a nice such science name for it.) I don't know even the fucking reasons, but quite a lot when I need to do something I don't even get thoughts but just this very physiological reaction. Feeling stressed, anxiety, feeling very tense and wanting all but do the particular thing. Just to avoid it is the new goal then. I now will blame BIS for my tendency to be late too, though lately I have it mostly under control, I put a lot of attention to be on time so I don't slip in unconscious patterns. But I do slip from time to time, of course, and then I find myself in situation where I'm terribly late because I... I don't know, it really happens effortlessly. I just avoid doing things for me to be on time IF I don't put enough conscious effort. Ok, some situations are more easy, but more stressful ones - not so much.
So, ok, I have more active BIS. And that is a situation I need to deal with. And I don't know how. :( Too often it feels like fighting with two monsters - situation which stresses me and avoidance, because situation stresses me. More conscious effort, sure, but that's the tactic for the stupid. Work hard not smart. And actually it was very long work to get being on time under control and that is small simple task! Yes, I need solution now. And effective one. I want to do things which I REALLY, REALLY want to do (basically studies), but... heh.
Continuing to think how to deal with the situation I have. Maybe some therapy/consulting. Ah... sure, money a bit too, but more - time. If this huge anxiety feeling will not go down in next two weeks, then psychiatrist. Only again - I don't know if I will be able to match my scarce free time with her available hours. But! I just did search where she is now... and... it is really next to (one of) my workplace! I could manage times! Omg! Some good news! Ok, I hope that I won't need to go to her with my inability to deal with stress, but at least the options are real. And something skype consulting is a real thing now too. So... there are options. That feels assuring.
I don't know what is happening. Probably I'm no good for prolonged stress. Just because I met with one person to have a deal there was no reason for (looks at clock) two and a half anxious feeling afterwards. Even after I kinda got rid of first stupid ideas that she didn't like me and that one stupid mistake I made. Oh, please. Give me a break! Brain! Wtf?
I want to do something self-destructive. It kinda helps when you are stuck in anxiety mode and can't push yourself to do something. I really, really need to go to lectures after an hour. But I'm afraid that I won't be able to. Sure, I'm not prepared. But even counting that in those lectures are more important. And I'm uncomfortably aware of the fact that I won't do anything useful anyway if I don't go. And work load will only increase if I don't go, say hello to anxiety. But I can't... And there is not even one good justification to feel this way. Oh... Maybe PMS adds it's share too. Ok... ok... Something self-destructive, but quick. And then moving, ok?
I didn't fully believe it myself. The idea that I'm alone in that. Well... there was contradictory information too. So I asked. And I am. I am alone in that.
That's ironic how people sometimes doesn't understand why I'm so cautious about trusting others emotionally. But when I need support/help/something, in the moments when I was struggling with something the most... I'm alone. I'm not reproaching. I'm stating a fact. Maybe the sad truth.
But it is always better to get a stable base, to know the reality and work from there. So yes. You are alone. So what will you do about it?
You are alone in this. I want to burn those words in me so I can finally grasp it. He won't help. Any other setting won't help. Inspiration or motivation won't help. There is no people who could help. Probably even I myself will not help. But still... I need to do this. I need to learn to do this. Yes, I'm alone in this. Suck it up. And do it.
Always trying to find the right path, the loop which gives meaning to life. Ah... such a smart girl. But still breaking down all the time. Not able to fix herself. Or maybe it's not possible. Mistakes as a tool for evolution. I can't deny I have come far. But it's never enough. Please do not dismiss my ability to reason by giving simplistic "journey is the goal" advice. How far still I need to go and most importantly why should I even bother to do that?
Fumbling words which represents only banality of this. If you can't express the deeper meaning, if it gets restricted in words, maybe there ain't one. Or at least maybe you shouldn't bother.