| 28. Aug 2006 13:55 I feel so alone.
you couldn't believe how very very alone I feel.
just because of all of these things.
all that I have to settle.
I could have taken them as a challenge, some time ago I could have.
but now.
I just see them as a huge pile of rubbish stumping slowly over my head. a large gray pile. a lead elephant.
do you know what kind of a feeling it is to wake up every morning with the thought: how much longer?
this is no life at all.
and there's no desperation. no anger. only this tiredness. how much longer?
oh no, I'm not committing a suicide. no. but my life is a huge suicide.
I'm killing myself slowly, with sick pleasure, wrenching my arms, crushing my backbone.
how can I be so cruel to myself? to make myself live on and on every day every hour again and again.
but if it continues, at least I have the frail hope that one day I will have had enough.
and I will know what to do.
maybe it will be crazy.
maybe it will be silly.
but I will want to do it.
but how much longer? how much longer??? ir doma    |
