| 18. Apr 2007 16:34 lately, I have started to hate people - not really all people (I only avoid All People) - I'm hating some certain people without a particular reason. or maybe 'hate' is a bit too strong - I feel disgusted by these people.
and it's not like they're horrible - they're just... ordinary... silly... non-specific... philistines... low... valueless...
I suppose something like what I fancy myself to be.
I think I am afraid of being something of that kind.
it's like insanity, loss of the capacity of conscious thought - something I would rather die before than experience.
and exactly because an insane person loses control over their destiny, and cannot actually die - not only because other people consider them deprived of the right to decide whether to live or die, but because they are incapable of realising their condition themselves.
and I know that I sometimes long for somebody else to make my decisions in my place, but I must understand that I have never actually wanted that.
while making decisions might seem to be bringing on my problems myself and on one hand I would rather wait for somebody else to take that blame, it is nevertheless more pleasant to know that the only person to dispose with your life is yourself, according to your own preferences and will.
and maybe the only difficult thing is to stop looking at what other people want and to try to see what I want. and be neither afraid nor ashamed of it. to understand that my only point of reference is me. and then, and only then to pick my rolemodels and to shape my life and be decided and strong.
to realise I cannot stand up for myself because you cannot stand up for something you don't know.
and right now, when I want to cry out for help, for alleviation, for pain-killers,
right now, when I vomit at the sight of familiar faces just because they remind me of things that could be potential problems,
right now, I am but dust on the street, without content or weight, invisible and unimportant.
and I need to know,
I need to know that I am.
I need to know that I have the right to be.
I need to know that I want to, not must be.
all those things that a man must know to live. ir doma |
