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	2011.03.23  11.47 Ikdiena Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows. - David T. Wolf Un šorīt atnākot uz darbu es atradu biroju tukšu. Un tad es atcerējos, ka mums šodien bija hotel-viewing, kurā mūs būtu barojuši ar viesnīcu labumiem uz dzirdījuši ar šampanieti. Nopūtos un sēdos pie galda. Vismaz uz stundu bijojs bija mierīgs. Tā pakaļā-līšana no hoteļu puses parasti ir amizanta. Bet mēs jau neiebilstam. Mēs to novērtējam- brokastis, pusdienas uzkodas bez maksas laiku pa laikam ir ļoti jauki. Bet nu, šodien būs gara diena. un iespējams pat iešu uz zviedru valodu.

	2011.03.22  10.04 Subject to availability Labrīt. Šorīt pamodos ar tādu fuck yeah noskaņojumu. Vārtījos pa gultu saulē un netaisījos celties. Gribējās, jo zināju, ak jāiet ir uz darbu, bet vnk vārtījos. Tad ielīdu dušā un nomazgājois ar pielīpoši smaržīgu dušasželeju- tagad esmu pilnīga zemenes smaržas nēsētāja. Un tad es netīšām skapī ieraudzīju savu ādas jaku- un man bija tāds- FUCK YEAH. Nācu uz darbu ādas zābakos, ādas jakā, krāsainā šallē un nāģenē. Jutos jau nu baigi kruti. Bija baigi labi no rīta. Baigi. Vakar Būšs pārsteidz ar savu pasākumu, biju gaidījusi tikai mazu pasēdēšanu, bet izrādījās full-blown social thing. Socialising. Ieskaitot interesanto bārdaino jaunkungu. Ne tieši tāpēc, ka viņš bija interesants, bet tāpēc, ka viņš neuzvedās paredzami. Viņš bija neparedzams, kas viņu padarīja interesantu. Intriģējošu pat iespējams. Iespējams. Drīzumā jāķeras klāt finanšu kursa darba pulēšanai, bet fuck, kā negribās. Sakarā ar to, ka man darbā sezona nav sākusies man ir galaicīgi. Līdz ar to, es esmu šeit, stealing your attention. Mood: Fuck Yeah Music: Have you ever seen the rain

	2011.03.21  13.06 Nežēlība Tikko sazinājos ar kādu no komunālajiem provaideriem un mani apkalpoja Mudīte Kurpe. Vistiešāka vecāku nežēlība. Jo mudīgas kurpes ir pats galvenais bērnā. Mood: LOL

	2011.03.21  10.05 Atelpa Atbrauca nu arī mans vīrietis. Nedēļas nogale pavadīta viņa ģimenes ielokā. Bija pat jautri. Bet mani šīs izmaiņas padara bēdīgu. Viņa atbraukšana uzreiz man nogriež skābekli. Es jūtos nepareizi, ja dodos izklaidēties, jo viņš to nedara. Un es neesmu īsti morāla sadiste. Tagad esot darbā es jūtos it kā es krāptos kaut kādā veidā. Tā it kā es esmu darījusi ko nepareizu visu nedēļas nogales laikā. Tas gan nav taisība, bet vienalga nepamet šī sajūta. Un nu, atkal sāksies vecā labā nedēļas kārtība. Un to es redzu par labu esam. Mood: sad

	2011.03.18  10.57 Drosme nav baiļu trūkums, bet gan baiļu pārvarēšana Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. - Mark Twain Dažreiz domāju par to, kāda mana dzīve būtu, ja es nebūtu nežēlīgi atklāta. Droši vien man būtu par dažiem draugiem vairāk. Tas būtu jauki. Un tad būtu cilvēki, kas par mani nedomātu to, ko viņi domā. Bet tad atkal, es nebūtu ieguvusi tos draugus, kas man ir tagad. Tos draugus, kas zin, ka es izdarīšu kaut ko tieši tā. Ka es būšu nežēlīga. Un tas ir labi. Un viņš atzina to par labu esam. Atkal atgriežos pie Bībeles tēmas. Vajadzētu pārlasīt to mazulīti.

	2011.03.17  11.20 Took me two days to get over my depression. I wonder if I have some touch of shifting OCD or my heart really changes that fast.

	2011.03.16  14.33 ... There are high points of our lives and then there are the lows. I am at a low now.

	2011.03.15  16.11 Atziņa Es tikko saptratu, ka es nespēju neko darīt pastāvīgi. Es pametu jebkuru sportu, ko es uzsāku, esmu pārtraukusi jebkuras attiecības, kādas man jelkad ir bijušas- man nav bērnības dienu draugu, pamatskolas draudzeņu, vai videned banda- es mainu un nomainu pilnīgi visu manā dzīvē. Sākumā ir smaga kaislība, jautrība, un tad tas pāriet un tiek aizmirsts. Es pat nespēju turēties pie smēķēšanas. Kind of lost interest- 5 years, a pack a day, and I just lost the interest.

	2011.03.15  14.45 Cold Oh and I wanted to tell you about the last 2 Fridays I had. They were quite fun. Not to mention almost identical. Identical also in all my mistakes. 1) I raced my lecturer in beer drinking. A video might follow. 2) I lost to my lecturer all three times we drank. 3) Acted like an utter fool at the end of the evening. 4) Felt endlessly, completely, godly happy. I can't even describe that feeling. I was as if I would be flying. Those are the things that were the same in both Fridays. One Friday I watched guys re-animate bar-fights in the 12th century or so, the other one I was holding my laughter as I met up with my ex-boyfriend. I was really young and funny. I danced, I danced with both girls and boys, I met my love of my life (she has shifted, so weird) and then he came along. The first Friday. I didn't expect to see him ever in that place. But there he was, strolling past me as he pleased. Damn, I froze and my jaw dropped open. Well, there is some kind of unfairness in the world and I got it right there. Well, as charmed as I was, I didn't leave him alone the whole evening, only for the moments when I danced with other people. Damn me. Seriously. Oh, wait, this might be one of the punishments of my damnation. Then, hell, thanks, you achieved what you wanted. And the next Friday I invited, he came out with us and again, I failed at being cool with his presence. I was like a fucking tick. I am so sad sometimes. But he does make me feel endlessly happy.

	2011.03.15  14.30 Feelings. Nothing more than feelings. And today I feel like so many times before, but it still feels new and foreign. I am again in love and I hate it so badly. I put myself there and I say all I have to say, then I turn around, march away and wait for a reaction. Logically I understand, logically I KNOW there will be nothing. Except the fact, that I put myself out there and say what I have to say. And then, when this will pass, I will feel foolish and rash. I will hate this unsustainable passion I get, it will feel so damn stupid. And I hate I know it. I know it so well, that I don't even hope, I just go mechanically through this process. The only thing I am sorry about is the object of my obsession. They suffer the most- obsessive behaviour, demanding statements and petty sobbing. So familiar. So hated. And damn, I am again in love. I hate my heart fluttering like a small bird learning to fly.

	2010.08.25  11.26 Tropu lietus Sajūta goda vārds kā tropos... Zibeņo, pērkoņo, gāž un vējo... Ārprāts. Gribētos būt tagad jūras krastā. Ļoti ļoti gribētos...

	2010.08.25  10.38 Continuation I am yet to eat breakfast, as I woke up after 8 am and had to MOVE IT, to get nearly on time to work. I ran in 10 mins late. oh well, life sucks :( I went to sleep yesterday just past 23.00 and I slept till after 8... I feel like such a slob. I did put on 2 alarms at 6.30 to go running, but I killed them, and then I overslept the 7.30 alarm that I have every day. This is just unbearable. I woke up with mild headache and I really want to eat now. I feel tired already for far too long. I don't know what is going on. I am tired for as much as some 2 months, I think. I can't do much anymore and that kind of disturbs me :( But hey, I might recover soonish. I hope so. I think the work and people just burnt me out. But thank god I already cut back on wow, now work is much more easier and the school has started, which is not too fun, but hey... Anyways, it seems that Friday is going to be the day of me going dancing and partying or smth similar. After work we are going to "warm up" with my colleagues, then we go to our "season closing" work party and after that- Schools party, where we have to dress up as Mexicans.. So I have to have clothes for work, clothes for job party smart casual (can be merged) and then the mexican shit... this is going to be hard. But I think I will manage. :p I am thinking about skirt. Just ate an apple. Feel so much better ... mm... I think I will eat today the stuff I took from home, or go to get some fastfood. Both sound same appealing :p

	2010.08.24  17.25 One lost day. My sister was over the weekend at my place, she drank my 0.7 L Jagermeister, took my new coat, that I have not even put on (and I bought it from my salary), put on my pants, that I am trying to save, as they are the only ones that are whole. And this morning it was pouring fucking rain and I needed both my pants and my coat. I was yelling my lungs out at my mom, about how terrible mother she is to me. I guess I regret it now, but actually not really. It is true. My sister has been a failure the whole life, and I have had to help her at my expense- I was not allowed to sleep, if I didn't help my sister with her studies, that I could do better than her, I had to be passionate and understanding, I have to give her money when she , or the whole family calls me a heartless monster, I have to put up with the fact,t hat she is a stupid, dirty, uncaring and irresponsible person, but still she gets the appartment and living alone. I can rip my ass in two, I can pay my bills, buy my own clothes and pay for them myself, buy my own booze, but it will still be taken by that bitch, worn and destroyed and drunk up. This is not the first time. I need a lockable room, but I cannot do that. I want to get away, but I am in no position to move out or to make demands that I will close up my room and leave my mom without any access to the closet. So my day has not been awesome, it has been pathetic and terrible. Not to mention it is raining and I feel like shit. I ran out of house without breakfast quite early, because I was so damn pissed off. I was without any breakfast and angry. SO I went to school, ate breakfast and now I am at work. 7 hours later... And basically.. I am leaving to home soon. Has not become any better.

	2010.04.17  11.01 Rīga Londona šovakar Ja kāds ir iesprūdis Rīgā sakarā ar neizrunājamā vulkāna izvirdumu, mans brālēns ar savu auto dodas uz Londonu šovakar 23.00. Ja ir kāds pazīstamais, vai pats, kam baigi vajag tikt uz turieni, brīvi zvaniet: Igors: +371 297 432 55 Ronalds: +371 224 954 19 P.S. Šis prasa naudu, cik saprotu 140 Ls apmērā, es tik ziņnesis.

	2009.12.06  15.21 Un tagad, kad man bija parādījies cilvēks, ar ko es varu parunāties... viņš saka, ka viņš nesaprot, vai mēs tā kā bīdām kaut ko savā starpā. Ko tas pie velna vispār nozīmē :(

	2009.12.06  01.12 Bezizeja Ir lietas par ko nerunā. Bet ir lietas, ko gribas pastāstīt. Cilvēki mani vienmēr patīk izmantot kā simulatoru. Es saprotu, ka es varu, ja ne palīdzēt, tad vismaz uzklausīt. bet man nav tādu cilvēku. Tas kaut kā atstāj mani tik vientuļu. Vienkārši vienu pašu. Žēl. Mood: Upset

	2009.12.05  17.22

	2009.11.30  09.21

	2009.11.26  10.44 Pūķiļi un lietas Savādā kārtā esmu atkal ieslīgusi jaunā interesantā lietiņā : haha... maz laika aizņem un vajag tik apskatīt viņu :p

	2009.11.26  10.40 Tikko uzzināju, ka man ir nodokļu pārmaksa valstij. Man pienākas no viņiem nauda. Haha. jautri :p

	2009.11.22  20.32

	2009.11.22  20.29 Apjukums Es visu laiku to norakstīju uz manām atkarībām. atkarībām no visa. No smiekliem, no labas sajūtas, no satraukuma, no cilvēka, no emocijām. Tagad es saprotu, kas mani tik ļoti pievel, tik ļoti dzen, tik ļoti satrauc. Tas ir nepieņemami un nesaprotami, bet tajā pašā laikā ļoti skaisti. Es ceru, ka es sākšu atkal rakstīt. šis varētu būt perfekts iemesls.

	2009.11.16  15.59

	2009.10.26  10.08 Not allow And at the moment when I seize to be a predator, shoot me down as a sick dog. That will be the moment when I will be tamed and that will not happen.

	2009.10.25  00.59 Econometrics And if I go to hell, I hope I will burn well. No tēmas- We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn. Burn, Mother Fucker, Burn.