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Tuesday, March 15th, 2011
| Time |
Event |
| 2:30p |
Feelings. Nothing more than feelings.
And today I feel like so many times before, but it still feels new and foreign. I am again in love and I hate it so badly. I put myself there and I say all I have to say, then I turn around, march away and wait for a reaction. Logically I understand, logically I KNOW there will be nothing. Except the fact, that I put myself out there and say what I have to say.
And then, when this will pass, I will feel foolish and rash. I will hate this unsustainable passion I get, it will feel so damn stupid.
And I hate I know it. I know it so well, that I don't even hope, I just go mechanically through this process.
The only thing I am sorry about is the object of my obsession. They suffer the most- obsessive behaviour, demanding statements and petty sobbing.
So familiar. So hated.
And damn, I am again in love.
I hate my heart fluttering like a small bird learning to fly. | | 2:45p |
Cold
Oh and I wanted to tell you about the last 2 Fridays I had. They were quite fun. Not to mention almost identical. Identical also in all my mistakes.
1) I raced my lecturer in beer drinking. A video might follow.
2) I lost to my lecturer all three times we drank.
3) Acted like an utter fool at the end of the evening.
4) Felt endlessly, completely, godly happy. I can't even describe that feeling. I was as if I would be flying.
Those are the things that were the same in both Fridays. One Friday I watched guys re-animate bar-fights in the 12th century or so, the other one I was holding my laughter as I met up with my ex-boyfriend. I was really young and funny. I danced, I danced with both girls and boys, I met my love of my life (she has shifted, so weird) and then he came along.
The first Friday.
I didn't expect to see him ever in that place. But there he was, strolling past me as he pleased. Damn, I froze and my jaw dropped open. Well, there is some kind of unfairness in the world and I got it right there.
Well, as charmed as I was, I didn't leave him alone the whole evening, only for the moments when I danced with other people. Damn me. Seriously. Oh, wait, this might be one of the punishments of my damnation. Then, hell, thanks, you achieved what you wanted.
And the next Friday I invited, he came out with us and again, I failed at being cool with his presence. I was like a fucking tick.
I am so sad sometimes.
But he does make me feel endlessly happy. | | 4:11p |
Atziņa
Es tikko saptratu, ka es nespēju neko darīt pastāvīgi. Es pametu jebkuru sportu, ko es uzsāku, esmu pārtraukusi jebkuras attiecības, kādas man jelkad ir bijušas- man nav bērnības dienu draugu, pamatskolas draudzeņu, vai videned banda- es mainu un nomainu pilnīgi visu manā dzīvē. Sākumā ir smaga kaislība, jautrība, un tad tas pāriet un tiek aizmirsts.
Es pat nespēju turēties pie smēķēšanas. Kind of lost interest- 5 years, a pack a day, and I just lost the interest. |
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